In Search of My Hip Bones

Red Rover, Red Rover

2008-01-09T14:55:00.001-06:00

I've moved over HERE. Come on over.

It's because as much as I'd like for this to be a weight loss blog where I actually found my hip bones...it's not happening and/or I'm not writing much about it.

So, to be more correct, I've retitled and moved.

Yes, I know it makes it a pain to change your blogroll/google reader/link stuff. Ima so sorry!

She Made Me

2008-01-08T14:55:00.000-06:00

Some of my earliest memories are of being shy and bashful. I remember holding onto fabric and hiding behind my mother's leg. Curling into a shoulder and burying my face. Hiding behind the couch WITH my mother when someone came to the door of our first house eating bananas dipped in Miracle Whip to keep me quiet. (Yes, I do realize how strange that combo sounds. I was raised by country folk.)

This is a question for all of the parents out there. Do you think it's possible that she made me shy? Because I don't FEEL very shy anymore. I can and do talk to almost anyone. In line at the grocery. Walking past someone in a shop.

My mother is shy. She rarely goes out of her way to speak to someone. She would rather be alone. Is introverted. Not that there's anything wrong with that. That's just her. But it's not really me. Although it used to be.

I think she reinforced my shy behaviors by coddling me, holding me, and sheltering me. At 42, sometimes I still find it easier to go to a funeral with her, because I won't have to make small talk in a situation in which I am very uncomfortable. She will talk to people that she knows and always has the right thing to say in a tough situation. I'd rather lie and not go to the funeral.

So I am shy sometimes...but I don't think that I would have been at all. Did she make me or do we change?

Keepin' It In The Family

2008-01-06T17:08:00.000-06:00

It seems as though Penelope Cruz is making news lately for a sexy, lesbian kiss in her brother's video.

Red lips, dark kohly eyes and brown hair abound. I like that sort of thing as a rule. Penelope even has on birth control glasses. Niiice.

The girl she's kissing is her SISTER. Lesbianism AND incestuous kissing? Geez, Penny!

It makes me wonder how folks will react. It was outrageous when Angelina Jolie pecked her brother on the lips and said she was in love with him. I wonder if Penelope considered how this will be taken? Is it different because it's girl-on-girl?

It doesn't bother me. It just looks like acting to me by two sister actresses that look an awful lot alike.

Great. Now I want a pool.

Click here to watch

Click here for the Fox News Story

Are YOU Kinkier Than Me?

2008-01-03T14:39:00.000-06:00

I found this test over at Blissfully Wed: Our Epidermis Is Showing. Check him out if you like hot pics! He scored 578....I think he missed a question. He's MUCH kinkier than I am!

I'm thinking that my score of 601 makes me a kinkster-minus in the major league of kinksters.

I've never had nor wanted a three way (I have difficulty concentrating), I don't have sex with animals (they refuse to sign my consent form) and I don't toss salads nor do I want to have my salad tossed. I managed to get a 601 WITHOUT these kinky things.

Either I'm super kinky or the makers of the test want me to THINK I am. Yeah baby...I'm soooo kinky.

I am a lesbian, have been to a nudist beach AND went totally nude plus there have been some fruits that made their way into the bedroom along with the whipping cream can. I love being a sundae!

This one made me think:

79. You feel that consensual bestiality is:
a. Very Kinky
b. Ok, but not my thing
c. Depraved

Is that even possible? How do you know if the animal consents?

Find out how kinky YOU are!

I blame my kinkiness on the album above. Yes, I had it and I LOVED it!

The Hand

2008-01-02T10:12:00.000-06:00

I see her approach because I can see out of a dressing room that she can't see into.

She knows that I am in here. She's looking for me.

I'm hiding. Terrified.

I am backed in as far as I can go. Hard against the wall.

My breath catches in my throat. I try to be quiet, but shallow breaths give me away.

The door is white and made of soft rubbery shutters that can be reached through... and she does just that.

Her hand is coming at me. Fingers spread. Reaching for me.

I can't tell where her fingers will land because my eyes are tight. But closing my eyes hasn't made it stop.

She reaches in and catches me in the rib cage. She will not let go.

Shivers course through my body.

It tickles in that horrible way. That bigger than you way. There's no way to stop it. There is no hope.

I try to scream. Nothing comes. I need to breathe so I can scream. But there's no air. My scream is silent.

I hate dreaming about being tickled.

I Like Butch Girls And I Cannot Lie

2007-12-28T14:49:00.000-06:00

From the International Herald Tribune: This is Yvonne Buschbaum, a German track and field athlete who took sixth place in the women's pole vault at the 2000 Sydney Olympics. Buschbaum announced this week that she is retiring from track and field and that she will become a man.

"I feel as if I am a man and have to live my life in the body of a woman," Buschbaum said in a statement on her Web site. (The statement has been translated from German to English.) "I am aware of the fact that transsexuality is a fringe issue, and I do not want to be responsible for it remaining on the fringe." Although gender reassignment will likely involve Buschbaum taking hormones that are on the World Anti-Doping Agency's list of banned substances, Buschbaum says she has not taken any performance-enhancing drugs during her athletic career. "I do not dope," she said, adding that her "upcoming hormone treatment" contributed to her decision to quit, as did a persistent injury.

When I read the story above, I wondered, "Would I stay with my woman if she had gender reassignment surgery?"

Honestly, I would. She would still be her, just with different toys attached.

Does it turn me on a little bit? Yep.

Would I still be a lesbian? I'm not sure.

If She Only Had Hands

2007-12-27T12:07:00.002-06:00

The Thursday before Christmas, I arrive home to a gigantic package on the front porch. My Ex the Redneck and I used to have a Dog Store and Doggy Day Care. I recognized the box as a Bowsers Dog Bed or probably just the insert since Trace already has all the covers that she needs.

I drag the big assed 6' tall box into the house where my girl and the doggies are relaxing. We unpack it and stuff it inside Trace's old cover that still looks brand new after 8 years. (Honestly, if you need a dog bed...I cannot recommend them highly enough!)

Trace is thrilled. I am not.

I have told her not to contact me. She insists on driving an HOUR from her new home to get her hair cut at the same place I do, to go to the same chiropractor, doctor, etc. in hopes of running into me.

She thinks that it's a shame that we are throwing away 10 years together.

Is there any hope of us ever getting back together? None. Hell freezing over scenario.

How about being friends? Never.

After being treated like a princess for the last 18 months, I just can't see the point. Why would I allow My Ex the Redneck back into my life after 10 years of being hit, screamed at, held at knifepoint and generally abused? Thank you, I think I've had enough. I'm slow, granted it took me ten years, but I've finally learned.

I'm sure she was hoping that I would call her and thank her for the thoughtful gift.

Did Trace need a new bed? Yes, she did. Is Trace grateful? Yes, and I'm sure she'd call if she only had hands.

Score One For Mom

2007-12-26T14:53:00.001-06:00

My mother is the typical Cookie-Baking, Clean House, June Cleaver of a mom. She's sweet, tries to do good, doesn't fib, goes to church every Sunday.

She just told me that My Ex The Redneck called Christmas Day and wanted her to tell everyone that was at my mom's house hello for her. This would be my mom's two sisters, their children, etc. People that she knew for the 10 years we were together. My family. Not hers.

She looks at me sideways from her office and smiles. She didn't do it.

"That wasn't very nice of me was it?"

I just raised my eyebrows.

She lied. She told My Ex The Redneck that she would. She didn't do it.

I'll not be saving her a seat on the front row of Hell. She has no clue how to be bad.

I'm Needing Some Cold Meds...

2007-12-26T14:04:00.000-06:00

Because I have a cold and wicked gas at the same time. Sneezing just isn't safe right now.

Happy Holidays Ya'll!

2007-12-21T14:22:00.000-06:00

Today's my last day at the office until next Wednesday, so I wanted to leave you all with a little holiday cheer. I know that I neglect the ladies, so here. Drool all over your monitors! Poor ol' Santa looks tired doesn't he? Who wants a special delivery? ;)

I could never leave my menfolk out. They need a little eye candy, too! Personally, I think she looks a little warm. She should take off that satiny top.

And what's she blowing at? Anybody got a clue? Is she picking nits off of her skirt?

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

The Good Ol' Days

2007-12-20T10:19:00.000-06:00

Sitting around doing nothing the other afternoon, the phone rings. It's the little girl that I know.

Me: Hi Sweetie, what's going on?

9 yr. old: Not much, just going to school and stuff.

*notice lack of segue here

9 yr. old: Remember when we went out for our girly day and you said you MIGHT give me a pedicure for my birthday (which was three weeks ago and I got her something else.)

Me: Mmm hmmm.

9 yr. old: When can we do that?

Wow, now there's a close. Did I just buy a time share?

Me: I'm not busy Wednesday, would you like to go with me then?

Of course, then I have to get on the phone with her Mom to work out the details. Apparently, the kid's schedule is too full to do it when I can.

When did 9 year olds get so busy?

At 9, my biggest worry was whether or not my red transistor radio battery was good or not. I'd ride my pink bike with the psychedelic banana seat from the time I got home until dark listening to 103.5 FM. Eat dinner. Do some homework. Scouts on Tuesday. That's about it. Of course, I had chores and we did stuff, but we weren't on the go every night of the week. And needles for the record player...THAT was important.

When did keeping kids constantly entertained/busy/amused become such a priority?

P.S. Yeah, I know, I'm bitchy lately. Deal with it. I've not gotten any this week! At least I gave you all a little eye candy up top. It's something.

Time to Bitch

2007-12-19T14:30:00.000-06:00

I know it's easier for you. You say I'm "hard" to buy for. Screw that. If you don't know me well enough to pick out something that I'd like, just let it go. Let's stop the gift exchange that's gone on too long. Same for money in a little envelope.

I despise gift cards. It's like giving me money that I have to spend at the store YOU want me to go to. I usually just end up giving them away. There should be a swap meet for those cards. So you could trade 'em off for someplace you do like to shop.

If you don't know me well enough to give me a real gift, perhaps we should just go to dinner and drink some wine. Then you'll at least know I that like good wine.

P.S. Thanks to Dana, I did my research and found this site: http://certificateswap.com/

Dreams DO Come True

2007-12-18T10:29:00.000-06:00

Last night, I'm in bed first and my girl is wandering around naked doing before bed butch stuff. She wanders in front of me.

Me: Why don't you do a little titty dance for me? You know, shake 'em for me a little bit? Put 'em in my face.

You already know this NEVER works. Doesn't work for most men. Doesn't work for me. I have no clue why I keep asking. Probably because she always just laughs, rolls her eyes and continues on doing what she's doing...naked.

She turns the lights out. I close my eyes and wait for her to snuggle into bed.

FLAP. FLAP-A-FLAPPA-FLAP. FLAP. FLAP-FLAP-FLAP. FLAP-FLAP.

I am BOMBARDED by boobs. They're everywhere! In my face, smacking me in the eye, whapping against my ears.

We both started laughing and that's the last thing I remember before drifting off to sleep. Boobs and laughter.

What a great night! I'm still smiling!

Since I Am Wordless...

2007-12-14T08:13:00.002-06:00

and it's not even Wednesday, I give you someone who makes me laugh damn near every time I read her, Crystal from Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper and the antics of her dog, Dusty.

Check out Sneaking Around, her latest post.

Or if you're not yet in the holiday spirit...check out Biscuit in all of her splendor! You'll not even need any jelly for this one! ;)

I think it's the impending doom of a mammogram this afternoon at 2:45pm that's stolen my words. Anybody wanna come along and hold my hand?

G-man Is The Shit!

2007-12-13T08:48:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, upon arriving home, a huge package was leaned against the wall on the porch. No attempt to hide it. Mr. FedEx obviously has no snowman magic.

I knew that I had some kind of photo coming from G-man. He didn't explain what it was...just said to keep an eye out for a package. This is my booty from the Pay It Forward Game we played a while back. He let me play since he only had four people take him up on the challenge.

Opening it, I find this lovely adornment for my walls:

First off, the photo is gorgeous! It's a cool, misty morning on a river with perfect reflections of the trees in the water. But that's not the coolest part. It's hard to tell from my crappy photo of it, but it's comprised of small squares and that give the photo a really cool dimensional look.

I saw it and I knew where it had to go. The guest bath is precisely THAT color of green in his photo. It looks AMAZING in there!

Thanks G-man! You are the shit! I'll play Reindeer Games with you ANYTIME!

Hiding Boxes 102: Grade D-

2007-12-12T07:59:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure what goes on at the UPS Training Centers, but apparently there's a class called Hiding Boxes 101. I think my guy passed that one. Because sometimes, there's a thin package under my front door mat or it's slipped in between the front door and the screen door. But the advanced course either wasn't available or he didn't need it to graduate to UPS Dude with Truck.

Here's what I found upon arriving at my home yesterday:

Look more closely and you'll see the problem:

If he's trying to hide my box, apparently there are issues with people stealing boxes from front porches. Unless they are trying to find my box from an aerial view, Mr. UPS' plan isn't going to work.

Now perhaps I've watched too much David Blaine and Criss Angel, but for me, there is no magic here. Especially when it's containing about $100 worth of Tassimo Starbucks T-disks to use with my Cappucino Foaming Creamer. A little sugar/cinnamon on top and I've kicked my FourBucks habit.

Does anyone here have a problem seeing the huge box with a snowman rug covering the top. Or am I just incredibly clever?

Do You Want to Hear What I Try To Say?

2007-12-11T11:54:00.000-06:00

Dana's Sunday Secret got me to thinking.

"I'd rather hear my husband say, "You are beautiful" than hear him say, "I love you," but he has never said those words ...

I tell my girl daily how fantastic she is. In bed, I scream, "Oh GOD!" even though she says I can just call her by her name. I tell her I love her. That she's the best girlfriend that I've ever had on every level. That she's phenomenal in bed. I rave over her cooking/grilling. I appreciate what she does around the house. I adore the flowers she brings home to me.

But are those the things that SHE wants to hear?

They are the things that I'd like to hear, so I assume that's what she wants. But Dana made me wonder.

Do you know what your husband/wife/partner/lover/girlfriend wants to hear?

Because I want her to know. I want her to be totally aware that I think she's the cats meow.

But what if she's secretly wanting to hear something that's never occurred to me to say?

Do you get to hear what you want to? Because, like Dana...I don't always.

Ocean's Depths Dichroic Bracelet in .925 Silver

2007-12-07T18:59:00.000-06:00

Dichroic glass was developed by Nasa and transmits one color while reflecting another. Here's a little info from Kincaid Designs for the geeks:

A glass which contains ultra-thin layers of aluminum, chromium, silicon, zirconium or the metal alloy titanium. The colors are almost holographic in appearance. Metallic oxides are bonded to the glass using an electron bombarder inside a vacuum chamber under strict laboratory conditions. Once the coating has adhered to the glass, it is fired in a kiln to make it permanent. The angle of the glass within the vacuum chamber determines the color. In actuality, there is no color produced. What you are seeing is pure light manipulation at it's finest.The appearance will be different depending on whether the light is reflected or transmitted.

As requested by Doggy, here's a pic of the only Dichroic Bracelet I've ever made. I've never put this one up for sale, since I thought it was lovely and I might not make another. But time has come to get back to the kiln.

It's comprised of eleven dichroic cabachons (about the size of a woman's pinky print) on a .925 silver bracelet. Brand new, never worn...only admired from afar and going for half-price at $75.

Thank you all for your kind words. You'll never know how much you've inspired and motivated me. I actually WANT to get back to my big, hot kiln. This hasn't happened in a long time. I've associated it with a difficult time in my life. No need to avoid the kiln any longer. It's not the kiln's fault. And it does bring me such joy. I love working with glass!

I'll put up pics of the remainder of my inventory soon in case anyone is interested in getting their holiday shopping done without leaving their easy chair.

Honestly now folks....

2007-12-07T12:01:00.000-06:00

What do you think of the art below?

It's a pic of one of my jewelry pieces...dichroic glass on a silver bail. The colors are blues, blacks and golds. It's been fired to over 1500 degrees in my kiln, shaped, refired, reshaped and annealed overnight.

Are you reading anything that I'm writing or are you just looking at my beautiful piece of jewelry?

It's pretty, huh?

Wondering about the model yet? It's my favorite jewelry model, Dana from Amid Life's Crises. She's also my only jewelry model! Head on over to her blog to find out just how tough her titties are!

Thanks, Dana!

Birth Control Glasses

2007-12-05T09:01:00.000-06:00

My girl and I needed new glasses. My old ones were from 10ish years ago, since I only use them to watch TV at night. I tried on damn near every pair in the store. They all looked like hell. I guess I'm stuck in 1983, the year that I graduated high school. In 1983, I would not have been caught DEAD in these glasses. We would have called them Birth Control Glasses.

But nowadays, I see all the hip folks in them and since it's just going to be me and the TV mostly, what harm could come?

At the store, my girl thought they looked adequate. She made no big deal. The saleslady was easily 10 years older than me and stuck in 1973. I could tell she didn't really care for them. But I kinda liked them, so I ordered them.

As you may remember, I owed my girl a night on the town for the Christmas lights.

Friday night, I got all dolled up. Curled my hair. Deep kohl liner on the eyes. Glossed my lips. Big oval hoop earrings.

And put my new glasses.

My girl comes home. As she turns the corner, her eyebrows raise. She thinks they make me look like a school girl!

We had a fantastic dinner at Sperry's in Cool Springs. (Dana, the Maytag Stuffed Filet was wonderful!) They have a wonderfully fresh salad bar and we shared mushrooms and a twice baked potato with a lovely bottle of Cab/Merlot

I took her out to hear a little music and we got our groove on at The Lipstick Lounge.

When we got home, we played Professor and Naughty School Girl. I got extra credit.

She put up more Christmas lights over the weekend. Coincidence? I think not.

Under The Weather

2007-12-04T15:24:00.001-06:00

Instead of under my girlfriend. Pisses me off that I've got the bad belly, but what's a girl to do?

I'll be back. Just wanted to say "Hi Ya'll" and if I haven't been by to say "Hey" it's because I've got the funk.

Here's a little somethin' to make ya'll smile....

___

In The Spirit

2007-11-30T08:24:00.000-06:00

After 41 years of picking the shittiest butches in town, I got on the internet last year and found me a good one from Georgia. She came with a big boat. How this happened is only explained by saying that the good Lord looks after me. The chances of me finding a good woman vs. a serial killer on Myspace were damn slim.

I offer you proof of my good butch...

Night before last, I drive up to the house listening to the woes of a friend who isn't so lucky to find Candy Cane Lane! She had put out all of my candy cane lights AND bought me some little snowmen walkway lights. I hung up the phone and squealed with delight. I walked in the house to find the tree in the living room covered with lights. (Not decorated...THAT would be my part.) My heart swelled with love.

Guys, you have no idea how much stuff like this means to us girly types. Seriously. So to thank her, I'm taking her out on a date to Sperry's in Cool Springs. I'm considering putting out as well.

If you're not in the spirit just yet...click HERE to see how Santas are trained. Great fun! Or put up some lights and trees for your significant other and watch the sex roll in!

Note to Buffalo:
My girl decline benched 120 for 6 reps last night....twice! Looks like I need to lose a little weight before I do any face sitting if your advice is to be taken! But I might put out anyway.

Tag I'm It

2007-11-29T08:59:00.002-06:00

I have been tagged by G-man from Man Overboard with a 7 odd facts meme.

THE RULES are as follows:

* Provide a link to the person who tagged you, and spell out the rules of the meme on your blog.

* Share 7 (seven) random and/or weird facts about yourself.

* Tag 7 (seven) random bloggers with this meme and post links to their blogs at the end of this post.

* Let those who have been tagged know so by leaving a comment on their blog, and telling them where to find information regarding the meme they are now obliged to do.

1. The world revolves around me. It's taken me entirely too long to realize that perhaps I am one of those high-maintenance bitches. I have been called spoiled and brat for well, always, but I thought they were kidding since I'm an only child. I'm coming to think that they weren't. That they appreciated not my princessness. The weird part is...I'm a spoiled brat and I KNOW it.

2. My thumbs are on backwards. Yep, God flubbed my digits and now I'm cursed with these backward thumbs. If I hold my right thumb up to my left hand...it looks normal. HOW does THAT happen?

3. I prefer to GIVE rather than RECEIVE (except during sex and then I like both). This is precisely why I ADORE the Christmas season. It's my reason to blow all my extra money on the ones that spoil me!

4. I taste like strawberries, or so I've been told.

5. My doghter, Trace is diabetic and I am her nurse giving her insulin shots twice daily for the last 2+ years. We also test her blood sugar at every meal just like people do.

6. I weight train with powerlifters and can decline bench 160 pounds (not bad for a girly girl) and leg press 610 pounds.

7. My mother never weaned me from the purse strings. Just last week I received a Thanksgiving card with $100 bill in it. It always happens. (see #1) I get cards/money for all holidays including the 4th of July! I love my Mom!

I'm not a tagger. I never could run fast enough to play (fat girl). And I never have been one to follow the rules. So, play if you wanna, just let me know in the comments and I'll come see!

Happy Thursday, Ya'll!

Oh hell...

2007-11-28T09:14:00.000-06:00

"What is the difference between what you think you want to do...

and what you're doing?"

This question was in an inspirational email forwarded to me recently. Great. Now, I have a brain fuck.

I thought I wanted to lose weight. But I've basically maintainted my weight for the last two weeks.

I guess what I really wanted to do was eat.

Now back to our regularly scheduled diet.

Made In The USA

2007-11-27T07:44:00.000-06:00

I admire folks that actually THINK about where the products that they buy are made. Sadly, it's not me. Don't get me wrong, I don't support child labor, nor do I think that it's fair that anyone works umpteen hours a day for damn near nothing, but it's not the deciding factor in whether I would buy Item A over Item B. I'm more of a style girl. Plus, I'm big. If it looks good and it fits...good enough for me.

I'm always confused about where to draw that line. Is it okay if some of the components are made in the USA...or even assembled? That's giving someone jobs, right? The people that sell it here in the USA make money and can have a store because of that item. That gives someone else a job. Maybe I over-think?

On Sunday, after our gluttonous brunch at The Opryland Hotel, we walked the in-laws around Bass Pro Shops. For hours and hours.

The Mom was SERIOUS about finding items that were made in the USA. She would pick up a shirt, look at it for style, check the tag for where it was made, then decide on whether or not to buy it.

I had no idea how few items were made here by us. Sri Lanka, the Phillipines, and China dominated the women's section.

My girl finally finished making her selections (aka her Christmas presents), her Mom paid and we dragged ourselves back to the parking lot.

We hopped in her Mom's Mercedes Station Wagon and made our way home. Maybe it was too big to turn over?

I Hate It When She's Not Drinking Martinis

2007-11-26T09:01:00.000-06:00

Because frankly, there's not NEARLY as much to laugh about.

I can't remember when I've laughed so hard. Me, My Girl and Her Dad were on the couch. Her Mom was in the Big Leather Chair. Our tickle boxes got turned over. You know how when the harder you try NOT to laugh, the more you laugh, until you can barely keep YOUR martini in the glass.

After her Dad and I whipped their asses at Euchre, we retired to the living room. Her Mom asked me to turn it onto the weather channel at 8:30pm. Done.

For the next hour, she asked me every ten minutes why they weren't showing the weather in Destin, FL...their destination today. She's completely puzzled. We just kept telling her to wait, they'd eventually show it.

She didn't have all her teeth in. Itsch hard to keepsh them in whenshyoure drinkingsch.

It went something like this:

Swatsch thesh sweathsher goingsh to be in Deschtin tomorrow? Schwen are they goingshto schow it? (points 5th martini glass at the tv and shakes it) Drink. Repeat. Drink. Repeat. You get the picschure.

Trembles of laughter rock the couch. Her Father tells us not to laugh at Her Mother as tears roll down his cheeks.

Could it be because the Weather Channel isn't psychic? Damn Weather Channel.

Welcome to Nashville!

Thanksgiving Planning

2007-11-21T10:42:00.000-06:00

The in-laws are arriving this afternoon.

You KNOW what that means....quiet sex, if any sex at all.

Last night I made sure that I had a little something to tide me over. (wink)

Rip roaring, down home, screaming like a banshee sex. Twice.

Who's dumb now?

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!

See you next Monday~

One Biscuit Hound, Jr.

2007-11-20T14:52:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite reads, One Biscuit Hound gives a definition of how the term came to be:

"One of the games Dad and his siblings used to entertain themselves with involved throwing stale biscuits to the stray hounds loitering around, and then throwing a rock to see if the dog would eat it. The really smart dogs had to be given several pieces of biscuit before they would fall for the rock trick. The dumb ones would try to eat the rock after only one biscuit. And thus was born the term "one biscuit hound."

I never knew what *I* was until I read Biscuit's definition (FYI: I'm not blonde. So don't go there.)

To prove it and amaze you with my lack of deductive skills, I offer you the following:

As you know, last weekend I was on a trek to Jamestown, TN when I saw the sign and it all flooded back to me. I can be downright stupid. My current girl calls me "book smart." Whatever.

Back during my time with the ex, we were on the same trip up to JAMESTOWN. We saw the sign below and I wondered aloud where Estown might be.

She pointed out to me that the J was missing and so was the M. I think a "duh" would be appropriate here.

Go over to Biscuit's place and find one of my favorite posts her titled "On Being Me." It STILL cracks me up to think about it.

Do anything dumb lately? Please. Make me feel better.

The Booze Test

2007-11-19T08:21:00.001-06:00

98%ALCOHOLIC

From Leighann this morning, I found this little test. I was confident, but not overly so.

I'm just really good at tests...yeah, that's it!

Someone Save Me

2007-11-16T14:27:00.000-06:00

I have a problem. I need help. Around 2pm every damn day for the past few weeks, I find myself pulling into Starbucks.

What makes me think that I have the funds to spend $5-$10 (if I'm feeling generous and buy someone else in the office one, too) on coffee every day?

I'm not even close to looking like one of those ridiculously trendy girls that think they're cute holding a Starbucks' cup and starving themselves.

So WHAT is it? Is there any way to stop this madness? Why can't I stop? Just say no?

Currently, I'm on a Non-Fat, Sugar-Free Cinnamon Dolce Latte with no whip and no sprinkles (Ok, SOMETIMES I get crrraazzzyyy and have the sprinkles.) How fucking pretentious is THAT? I'll tell you...the guy on the speaker yesterday said, "Are you sure you don't want to go all the way and get that a decaf?"

Smartass Barista.

Here's a little something for the boys (and me). Happy Friday, ya'll!

(FYI: The barista at my Starbucks does not look like THAT!)

Seriously

2007-11-14T14:57:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine recently mentioned on her blog that lesbian Suze Orman always has this huge smile on her face. Her boyfriend commented that maybe all that girl on girl action is why she always seems so happy.

Frankly, it kind of irked me. (Yes, I AM perimenopausal and my hormones rage on occasion and this was one of those times. Now back to my scheduled rant~) As if lesbians are some sort of privileged folks lying around eating peeled grapes, while being fanned with palm fronds until their next hot, sexual escapade.

It reminded me of a recent trip to the gay church that I frequent. We saw a snippet from a film titled Gods and Gays. One woman tells the story of when her daughter came out to her. She told her daughter that she would rather she be dead than gay. Sadly, her daughter did just that...she killed herself. Hearing this took my breath away. It amazes me that people will throw away their children/family/parents over this.

She killed herself. A very permanent solution to a temporary problem some folks say. But when you're in it, it is hellish.

No longer was this situation sad for the daughter and mother, but for the entire collection of folks who loved her. Her mother has gone on to become a gay advocate. Wonderful, but too late for her own daughter.

I'm lucky. My parents know that I'm gay and have always welcomed whomever I brought home.

My partner's father has been told, her mother hasn't. This WILL make for an interesting Thanksgiving. But both of our families are very accepting of our "friends." And that's how they consider us. Friends.

Think of all the times you have gone to your mother or father with questions about relationships, heartbreak, sex, etc and gotten advice. I have never gotten to do that. Not once. It makes my mother sick to think about it.

I don't get to hold my girl's hand in public or kiss her on the cheek at Christmas at the family's when she gives me JUST EXACTLY what I want. I can't marry her. She can't make decisions for my health unless we do an assload of paperwork. We risk hate crimes if we go to a bar in the South (or really anywhere) just so we can be ourselves.

We're happy anyway, but it makes me sad.

If you get the chance to watch the movie, please do so. It's very entertaining and will enlighten you even if you're already enlightened.

Greasing up

2007-11-14T09:06:00.001-06:00

After two nights of "reaquainting ourselves" with each other, things took a different turn last night in the bedroom.

As my girl walks in the room last night, I am hit with a wave of menthol. She has greased up differently than the last two nights. This time it's with Icy Hot for the aches and pains of getting into our 40s.

I watch the nekkid parade past me to her side of the bed.

That's HOT (and cold)!

Mole on the Taco

2007-11-12T15:23:00.000-06:00

My girl and I have a new favorite Mexican restaurant: Rosarios on Villa Place in Nashville. They have this fantastic Chocolate Mole sauce. Every time we even consider going out to eat...she wants to go there.

Today on her way back from Georgia we were talking on the phone and considering going there this weekend with friends. Of course, she brings up the chocolate mole.

Me: "That chocolate mole is all you ever think about anymore. I'm going to call in a to-go order and smother my hoo-haa in it."

Her: "We have avocados in the fridge. You could make guacamole to go with it."

Me: "I'm going to go wrap the bed in cling wrap. I'll be laid out with a naval full of guacamole surrounded by chips with a chocolate mole sauce on the taco for you!"

I think I heard her engine rev.

P.S. Check out the comments on the post below. G-man is a dirty, dirty man...and I love it!

Cummin' Home (at the request of Matt)

2007-11-12T10:52:00.000-06:00

I spent the past weekend with my mother's redneck family at our big ol' lodge in Jamestown, TN. Most of them came up from Pulaski...with the exception of my City Mouse Cousin that lives in Atlanta.

It was interesting. My head still hurts from all of the redneck saturation.

But this story is about cummin' home, isn't it? (smile)

We spent TWO lonely nights apart.

She nary (see, I was with them for too long) got a phone call from me. I was too busy learning to make biscuits from scratch without a recipe (I'll make someone a good wife someday), making hot sausage gravy, pissing off my cousin Shirley, catering to and cleaning up after a buncha' lazy redneck men (again with the good wife shit) and driving a crowd up to Muddy Pond.

By last night we were ready to see each other. She began teasing me mercilessly on the couch after she cooked for me. I thought that I was too tired to feather the Lesbian Love Nest. I was wrong. (wink)

She threw me down on the big, fluffy red comforter and I slid sideways on the bed. As she lowered herself down, the cuts in her arms flexed. She pressed my breasts together and nuzzled her face between my monstrous breasts. Kissed back and forth between the nipples until I sighed, arched my back and closed my eyes...

Oh well, you folks are so creative....you come up with the rest.

What happened next?

Let's see what you've got! Give it to me.

Method Behind My Madness

2007-11-12T10:37:00.000-06:00

Last week, my girl told me about some Ecco boots that she LOVED. Desperately wanted. ADORED THEM. But, they are expensive. Ridiculously expensive in my opinion. At least for a butch who will wear them to work.

Yesterday, she showed me the picture on the website. They're $180. For a pair of boots. Butch boots at that. Not some burgundy patent leather number that would make me 3 inches taller (i.e. thinner looking) and would look darling with any number of outfits that I have.

So I ordered them for her. Not for Christmas. There's no waiting here folks. Just 'cuz I love her.

When I expose her to the Coach store and the handbag that I'll eventually want or those damn fine burgundy patent leather Franco Sarto platform boots that I'm head over heels for....

What can she say, but yes?

P.S. AND... since she rocked my world in the Lesbian Love Nest last night...she can have anything she wants! Boy was I glad to cum home!!!!

GEEK ALERT: Thanks to my geeky friends who told me to download Camino so that I can insert links like everybody else!!! You guys rock!

It's Not A Cock...But It Is Made of Glass

2007-11-09T09:32:00.000-06:00

Butterfly Girl likes my cock....AND wants to play games. So, who am I to say no???

There's a little blogger game that Butterfly is playing on her blog.

Here are her rules:

"The first 5 commenters here will get a small gift in the mail from me. All you have to do is post this on your own blog and promise to gift the first 5 commenters on your post if they promise to gift the first 5 commenters on their posts… you see how it goes. What do they call that? The domino effect. After you comment jot your address in an email and click it off to me. As soon as you participate in the game I will get your little something in the mail."

Now, it won't be a cock. Mine's too big to send. (wink) But I'm also a dichroic glass jewelry artist. You WILL be receiving something of that ilk. They're pretty, sparkly and make wonderful gifts. (Hello men out there!)

Let the games begin!!!

Feel free to comment even if you don't wanna play.

P.S. You won't be getting the pendant pictured....but something quite similar.

Wanna See My Cock?

2007-11-08T07:36:00.000-06:00

Yesterday afternoon when I got home from work my girl had the house clean so that I could do a little painting. It's just something I do for fun...I have no delusions of grandeur.

This one took me all evening to finish. I hate to not finish. It feels so...well, unfinished.

When she got home late last night from work, I asked her, "Wanna see my cock?"

I'm so TAUNT

2007-11-07T09:42:00.000-06:00

I work out with a truly odd mix of folks at a gym in the musty, dirty basement of a smallish house in Podunk, TN. One of the men is a high-falutin' lawyer that takes off his REAL Rolex and diamond jewelry when he walks in. He's quite the Big Fish in the Little Pond around these parts.

So the other night, Mr. I'm So Educated and Lofty says, "You're really getting taunt."

Me: Quizzical look.

Him: "You know...TAUNT (as if I'm the idiot)....you're body's tightening up."

Me: "Oh yeah?...Thanks."

Oh how I wanted to say something quick, smart-assed and clever! But quick and clever just wasn't happening. Plus, he really WAS trying to be complimentary.

I'm still at a loss for what I SHOULD have said.

Any ideas?

Crazy-Fucked-Up-In-The-Head

2007-11-06T09:55:00.000-06:00

If I didn't tell you, you'd never know. But I'm going to, because I have been telling you every week.

Last night I went to Weight Watchers. I'm up .6 of a pound. I finally had to change from my shorts and t-shirt to my sweats and long sleeved shirt. It's an event for the entire crowd...which week do you do it? Suck it up and know that those clothes are going to weigh more.

It fucks with my head. I KNOW I haven't gained any weight. And yet, their scale says that I did. But I didn't. But I did...officially. Thank you, yes, I am crazy-fucked-up-in-the-head about the whole weight issue.

On the positive front, my girl told me this morning that my ass is looking smaller. YAY! And she was even behind me when she said it. Of course, I'm a tad hornyish, so her saying that prompted me to back into her and give her a little standing lap dance. Gotta reward the good behaviors!

On top of that, an old buddy just walked into the office and told me that I'm looking "slick" this morning. (I'm taking that as a compliment.)

Hmmm...perhaps I am? Could 8 pounds make that much of a difference in a big girl like me? Doubt it...but these little positives sure do help balance the downer of the Weight Watchers scale.

My Ex The Redneck

2007-11-03T13:17:00.000-05:00

My last ex was from a redneck family. MORE redneck than mine, even. And we're pretty red.

Well, everyone except for her and her nuclear family. They seemed normalish. But the rest of 'em...daggum they were country.

One year at Thanksgiving, the ex's parents had the family over. Her mom's sister had just recently had a boob job.

(By now you know that I have a tendency to instigate when it amuses me. And it did....)

We'd been sitting at the Antique Farmhouse table that her mother had imported from England for about 2 minutes when I picked up my linen napkin and asked, "So Terry...how'd the boob job go?"

Her fork hit her plate and I knew it was coming.

In a move that I've only seen on Girls Gone Wild, she flipped up her bra with her shirt and flopped those puppies out.

~SPROING~

"Very nice, Terri, very nice."

What is the proper etiquette for seeing tits at the dinner table?

She then shimmied back into her top and we all gave thanks. Especially me. I was sitting directly across from her. (wink)

Fauxlex

2007-11-02T09:43:00.001-05:00

This morning I tried on the fake Rolex that my mom got me for Christmas last year. It fit...finally! So, I decided to wear it today. I'm looking particularly cute for a big girl.

I'm in the kitchen this morning trying to get the damn thing set to the correct time and in walks my girl. I wonder to her if it needs a new battery since it's not working.

She says, "It doesn't have a battery. It works because of the movement of your body."

She's so smart...I LOVE that about her!

As I'm wondering if my body will move ENOUGH to support the mechanisms and thinking how smart she is, she says "My ex-Stephanie had a REAL Rolex. So I know how they work."

Not so smart.

I raise my eyebrows and mock her accordingly (in that high-pitched mocky voice that indicates that she just fucked up), "My EX-STEPHANIE had a REAL Rolex."

Smiling, I say, "Perhaps you should buy me a REAL one!"

Silence.

This just 24 hours after she asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year. Of course, I"ll want the solid gold one. I bet STEPHANIE had that one!

Pumpkin Porn

2007-11-01T12:12:00.000-05:00

I'm not smart enough to know how to add a link in here, so cut 'n paste if you're so inclined.

http://www.pumpkin-porn.com/

I am particularly amused by the little swirlies around the vagina on the second pumpkin. Is it hair? Do some girls have swirlies? Can I see?

It's OBVIOUSLY lesbian pumpkin porn.

And just in case you thought THAT was enough...there are more freaks out there:

http://www.homemade-sex-toys.com/halloween/index.html

Well, at least they're using their time productively.

Red on the Head

2007-10-31T14:08:00.000-05:00

Cruel, Mother Nature is. During the whole Chiffon Margarine debacle, Mother Nature tried to tell me not to mess with her.

At first, I thought it was kinda flat looking because my thryoid is bad and that can affect the health of your hair. Then I got that semi-under control. And still, the hair looks eh.

Recently, my girlfriend told me that my hair is brown.

BROWN??? WTF???

Do not tell me that I suffered.....

• Red on the head, I'd rather be dead

• Red in the Head means Fire in the Bed!!! (not so cool when you're 11)

• The whole redheads have bad temper shit...it's just a buncha fuckin' horseshit!

• Never tanning, always burning (which is STILL a problem)

.....during my childhood to then grow up, be in my prime and suddenly I lose all the red color in my hair.

Yes, I've permed it since I was a teenager. I'm sorry Ma Nature, I didn't know I was doing wrong!

I didn't color it until just a couple of years ago. Never had to.

At a recent gathering of friends, I asked them, "What color is my hair?"

Brown. Strawberry Blonde. Blonde.

HUH?

So Mother Nature, I'm pissed.

Just when it's SEXY to be a redhead, you turn my hair brown. Where's the nearest salon? I a dose of fire!

Not ONLY do I rock...

2007-10-30T07:46:00.000-05:00

but I FUCKIN' ROCK!!!!

Get ready for the Tuesday Total on my Weight Watchers week.....

Are ya ready?

ANOTHER 4.2 pounds for a total of 8.6 in two weeks. Yes, it is benefitting me that I'm a big girl and I work out.

(waits for applause and pats on the back)

Thank you very much!

I am proud of myself. I am finally making an effort to take care of me, not just those around me. I prep my breakfast and sit down almost every morning AT THE TABLE and focus on the meal. I'm making an effort to change things up and not eat the same old crap all the tiime. And this week, I'm going to add cardio into the mix.

I hope all of you guys are having a great week!!! I sure am!

The Key

2007-10-29T07:50:00.000-05:00

From my last post:
We bought locally made Molasses, Wildflower honey, Lemon Cake, Gingerbread, Turbinado Sugar and Molasses candy. I ate some of all of it and still lost weight. Gotta love Weight Watchers!

And a Princess responded:
"That sounds so nice and the pictures are beautiful....eat some for me..I don't think I could eat all that and lose weight!!"

For me, the key to Weight Watchers is that I can eat whatever I want and still lose weight.

WHATEVER I want. If I want Lemon Cake..I can have Lemon Cake. Homemade Gingerbread? Yes, please.

Unfortunately, I cannot have ALL I want.

I think that's the problem with a lot of folks. We get a loaf of Lemon Cake and eat the whole damn thing. Linda had a slice. I had a slice. I counted my points. And the rest of it is in the freezer for the next time we want some.

I have honey every day for breakfast. It's only 1 point per tablespoon. That's a LOT of honey. I smear it on my 1 point English Muffin. That way I can have what I like. I just can't have a tub of it.

So yes, I did eat ALL of that. But I didn't eat ALL of IT!

P.S. Yes, Kelly...it's a gorgeous place to go. And we'll rent it out for any days you want. But you have to enjoy hiking, biking, four-wheeling, and outdoor stuff, because Jamestown is not a shopper's paradise (unless you like used shoes.)

Jamestown and Muddy Pond, TN

2007-10-26T10:36:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday morning, we ventured out to the Minnonite Village of Muddy Pond, TN to do a little shopping and to have one of the fabulous sandwiches that those ladies make. Alas, when we got to the General Store there was a sign stating that they no longer made sandwiches. (hangs head sadly) They made the most wonderful creations. Even if it was only meat, cheese, bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato. It was as if their hands were touched by God's own.

So, being a former Girl Scout (and since they lady behind the counter suggested it)...I bought everything and made us one on the back of the car. Spread my little plastic baggie out and we had a car picnic!

Then we went to watch the molassses (or mole asses as my family calls them) being made. They have a huge room where they boil them down after the horses grind the sugar cane into juice.

These are the gorgeous boys doing their job at the Molasses Shop.
__________________

One of the old Mennonite men taking a break outside the steamy molassses boiling room.
__________________

Lovely red tree outside of the lodge.
__________________

Pond down in the hollow by Muddy Pond. Not THE Muddy Pond...just a muddy pond. THE Muddy Pond has a little sign. I guess enough of the dumb city folk asked that they finally put up a sign. Looks more like a mud puddle, but hey...call it a pond if you wanna.
__________________

We bought locally made Molasses, Wildflower honey, Lemon Cake, Gingerbread, Turbinado Sugar and Molasses candy. I ate some of all of it and still lost weight. Gotta love Weight Watchers!

Unavailable

2007-10-25T10:12:00.001-05:00

Or so I thought. Last weekend, my Love and I, along with our two dogs went to Jamestown, TN to our family's little cabin in the woods- Pointe View Lodge (www.pointeview.com) -for a little R&R. I told my mom and my best butch where we were going. Now this place is remote. Like 10 minutes off of the paved road remote and 30 minutes outside of a small town. Only one other house on the road and entirely too far to run to in case of horror movie type stuff happening.

We get up there. Jammie up. Watch movies. Eat dinner. Go to bed. Perfect.

My cell phone rings. It was LATE LATE LATE...1:45am. I was so deeply asleep that my Love had to wake me. I fumble in the complete blackness for my phone. Restricted number and I'm too late. Hmmm...probably a wrong number. We lie there for a few minutes trying to go back to dreaming.

The lodge phone rings. Now this number is hard to get. You pretty much have to be a member of the family or a past renter to have it. Hell, I don't even have it. Again, in the blackness I run to the phone all the way in the kitchen.

Hello. Hello? Hello???

Nobody there. Then an odd fast busy signal.

We go through all the possibilities. Nobody has both of these numbers. Must be my parents. Shit, they're old and it can't be good. I call their house. Wake my Daddy up. Nope, everything's fine.

Must be the Best Butch. Call her. Freak HER out since I'm never up past 10pm! Not her either.

No one else knew we were there and so few people have both my cell and the lodge phone number. It's hard for me to believe that there were two wrong numbers on both phones that I'm attached to.

That was Friday night. It's Thursday and no one has called yet to say, "Hey...tried to get ahold of you Saturday morning at 1:45am."

Damn ghosts.

"Gwen Will Have THAT Taken Care Of"

2007-10-24T09:04:00.001-05:00

Last night, as we're dining on Pan Seared Tilapia over Rice and White Acorn Squash with Butter and Brown Sugar, the phone rang. It's her mother.

I invited them to come down from Michigan for Thanksgiving.

My Love said they wouldn't come. They are.

My Love said that they would probably stay a couple of days. They're staying from Tuesday until Monday.

During their conversation, I keep hearing over and over, "Gwen will have THAT taken care of."

I am afraid to ask.

Brought to you by the Number 4

2007-10-23T14:44:00.000-05:00

Last night was my second Weight Watcher's meeting and my first week's weigh in.

Drum roll please.............

Down 4.4 pounds. YAY ME!!!

Please feel free to praise my will power and strength of character!

I'm waiting.....

:)

Killing Me Softly with Coffee

2007-10-23T13:53:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting at the window waiting on our Treat Treats....a SF, NF Cinnamon Dolce (3 WW points, thank you very much) for me and Caramel Macchiato for my Mother. We passed up on the Homemade Pineapple Cake that someone brought to the office. Major victory. I wanted to surprise her (and me!) with a Treat Treat (that's what Trace calls her milk bones.)

Starbucks Girl: "I'm sorry, Did you say three or thirty?"

Lady in Line: "Thirty"

Me, in my head: WHAT???? Thirty? Seriously????

Starbucks Guy reading my mind: "Yeah, she likes almost a cup of sugar in her coffee."

I watch Starbucks Guy pour and pour and pour and pour sugar in to a cup.

Me, outloud to Starbucks Guy as he hands me my SF NF Treat Treat: "Can I stay and see the 30 sugars person?"

Starbucks Guy: "She comes here regularly and we have an 'Always say YES' policy."

Well, I reckon they do.

Drink This In Remembrance of Me

2007-10-19T11:03:00.000-05:00

Recently, the little girl in my life was baptised. She's almost 7.

I saw her this week and she tells me that she's going to get to drink the grape juice and eat the cracker at church. But not everybody gets to drink it. You can't until you get baptised. Then you can. But her brother can't. Yet. He gets baptised on Sunday. Then he can eat the cracker, too. And have some grape juice with it. You have to go up front to do it. Then you get to go back to your seat. But not everybody gets too. It's special.

Her: It's supposed to help your blood or something.

Me: Oh really? (quizzical look)

Her: Um hmmm.

I'm glad to know she's got a handle on the whole communion thing. Because frankly, it confuses me.

There is a God

2007-10-19T07:44:00.000-05:00

"The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE."

Thank you, Lord. He obviously knew what he was doing with THAT one! (wink)

A Dying Breed

2007-10-17T10:27:00.000-05:00

Am I the only 42 year old woman on the planet that still calls her father "Daddy?"

Recently, some friends of mine were appalled. I was confused. Is there a point when you change what you call him?

FYI: there are over 200,000 images for Daddy on photobucket.com. So SOMEBODY's calling their father's Daddy!

Come on...tell me I'm NOT the only one. And of course, I'm in the South!

Back In The Herd

2007-10-16T11:32:00.001-05:00

Last night I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. All of us fat girls and a couple of guys sat around and talked about well, food mostly.

Kudos to my girl for curling up on the couch with me and looking at my Weight Watcher book when she could have been watching her favorite shows on the DVR. She paused the TV and we talked a little Weight Watcher. God, I am so lucky to have her by my side!

I am already feeling better. I have a plan. I can see myself at my goal. This should really be easy. Mwahaha-ha-ha. Yeah. Well, it's easy right now, and I'll take that.

Anybody got any supportive words? Say 'em now, say 'em later. I need all I can get!

P.S. It's Tuesday again, which means squats with the powerlifting coach. Prepare for the complaining to commence in approximately 48 hours.

No More Putting It Off

2007-10-15T14:34:00.000-05:00

I'm joining Weight Watchers this afternoon. I have a dear friend who is super supportive and emails regularly from across the nation. A partner that ROCKS and loves me as I am or any other way. And a powerlifting trainer that's going to be there kicking my ass. He's big and he's expecting lots out of me. 'Bout time I gave it to him.

I finally feel like I'm ready.

More reasons to lose weight:

• To show the fatties in my life that I'm not kidding this time. I'm doing it. You can be fat. I don't want to anymore.

• To have some of that wild on top porn star sex!!!!

• I want to not worry about eating. I want to reach a level of comfort and WW will help with that. (ahem, not my first time around the old WW block)

• So I can snow ski with my girl in Banff, Canada when she whisks me away there. (Major hint dropage there! Sweetie, let me know if you need the phone number of the Fairmont Banff Springs Hotel. Oh hell, here: http://www.fairmont.com/banffsprings/)

• So my muscles that I've worked so hard on for the past year can show. I can lift some big girl plates at the gym...that's a 45 lb. plate on each side plus a couple of small ones!

• So that I can be proud of my character.

• To lessen the stress on my joints and the rest of the body

• So that I can buy some cute clothes

• So that I can wear my hair long and look sexy before I'm that strange woman on the park bench that's 80 years young with long, grey hair.

There. That about does it.

I'm ready and rockin' on go!

Day of the Dead

2007-10-15T09:17:00.000-05:00

Or so I thought. I tried the talking to the ghost.

Problem: Where do you look?

I guess if they're around they'll just float into the right spot. It's the least they can do.

So here I am...talking to the ghost or lack thereof. Who knows. Could be either.

Fortunately, I have a dog and if someone happened to be looking in the window at least it wouldn't look like I was talking to well, nothing. Then, SHE walks to the other side of the room. She knew I wasn't talking to her. The complete lack of words like treat treat, ride, hungry and outside made that perfectly clear.

After a few minutes she stopped looking at me at all. She was giving me that odd sideways glance that you give the weird guy on the bus that smiles at you. (You wanna look. You know you do. But you're afraid that he'll start up a conversation with you the next time you make eye contact. Next thing you know you're dating the weird guy from the bus. Yes folks, I did (circa 1982) and it ended ugly with him crying at a Western Sizzler.)

You'd think since I was devoting my attention to it, it would materialize or something. Fling a book across the room. Blow a blustery gust of wind through the drapes. Slam the kitchen table against the floor a few times. Something.

Nada. Maybe I'm tryin' too hard.

Not A Mommie

2007-10-13T15:13:00.000-05:00

I just spent the afternoon with a friend's little girl. Now I have a headache. She's so wonderful and so taxing and so everything all at the same time and she never stops talking!!!! Seriously, never.

The most precious thing she did was color me a picture. She hung it on the wall behind my desk at work. Then said, "You can just turn around anytime, look at this picture and know that I love you." See, right there. I would be one of those parents constantly in tears over sweet things like that. Buying her convertibles and high heels just because she asked for them.

She also asked me if I was a girly girl. Um, yeah....

What exactly do you mean?

Do you ALWAYS wear makeup?
Do you always dress up?
What do you wear when you're "playing?" (Hehehe...that depends on what Miss Linda wants to "play!")
Does Miss Linda live with you now?
Is she your friend like Miss Nikki was?
Why doesn't Miss Linda wear makeup?

(Miss Lynn starts wondering where she's going with all these questions....)

She goes on to tell me that sometimes she likes to be a tomboy. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I do not want to be in this conversation. I'm the only lesbian that this family knows and allow to be around their child! I can see her coming out to me at seven years old!

The problem is that although she's only seven...she's WAY smarter than me.

Change the subject. Fast. Find something girly to talk about. Anything.

Me: Do you like playing with Barbies?
Her: No, not anymore. I outgrew that. I don't like dolls anymore. Dolls are boring.

Me: Do you still like Disney princesses?
Her: Nah, I'd rather play out in the dirt with my brother.

Me: I think it's time to play Quiet As A Mouse. Gah, I'm lame!

Offering this 7 year old high heels may be our only hope if she starts wearing ball caps and bandanas.

How Does Fat FEEL?

2007-10-13T14:29:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about this lately because next year around this time, I'd like to not be. Change that...I will not be. I refuse to continue to be this way. Therefore, I'm making a list for posterity. So I can go back and say, "Ah yes, I remember now...."

As I spoke of in an earlier post, my friend Zammi is going in for a weight loss surgery. I need her. I need to be around people that are doing it. People who are doing the right things. Exercising. Eating right. Visibly losing weight. I feed off of their energy. Their drive. Their commitment. I fully intend to feed off of her. I'm hungry for being on a roll. I want the momentum. The way people will ask me how much I've lost. Tell me how pretty I am since I've moved down a size. I'm desperate for the attention after being invisible for so long.

Zammi's having surgery on the 7th of November. I think I'm finally ready. And yes, I realize that SHE should be the one getting ready and she is. But since I'm tagging along, I too need to be ready.

Ready to exercise. Check. Ready to eat less. Check. I'm slowly wheeling my carriage back upon the straight and narrow path of health.

Oh yeah, I was making a list, wasn't I?

How DOES fat feel?

• Tight
• Tired
• Full
• Yearning
• Sleepy
• Big
• Crowded
• Warm...sometimes hot
• Cuddly
• Wanting
• Soft

Nothing I'm gonna miss there.

Hot Legs

2007-10-12T14:40:00.000-05:00

I am working on some beautiful legs. They will be lovely when I'm done with them in about a year. I work them out at the gym twice a week. Tuesday for squats and Saturdays for a general pumping workout.

Last Tuesday night, we squatted with the 55 pound bar. We did six sets of five reps with a moderate stance. I even asked for an extra set. Wasn't tired and apparently I was a bit cocky.

Today, I can barely move. Every time I have to get up, I'm planning it. What can I do this trip? Get a drink, pee, grab the faxes, check the back door, etc. Because GOD FORBID that I have to activate the quads one more time than absolutely necessary.

Either the girlfriend isn't sore or she's not as whiney as I am. Probably the latter, huh? I just sent her some dirty texts for her lunch hour. I may get to work some of that soreness out tonight! (wink wink)

Poorly Haunted

2007-10-11T12:40:00.000-05:00

I'm wondering if my hauntings are even worthy to blog about. I think I have haunting envy. I want to be haunted like I read about in grammar school where things would go flying across the room, heads would spin, folks would speak in tongues.

I think I need a better ghost. This is probably my cousin Sheila. She was my best-cousin on my mom's side. We played together as kids and got in all sorts of mild trouble at my aunt's farm during the summer. Like the time that we SOOOO wanted to go swimming in the creek that ran beside my aunt's dairy farm. Any country folk see where this is going?

She forbade us to set foot in that creek. The summers were sweltering. There was NOTHING to do in Campbellsville, TN in the 70s besides walk the 1/4 mile to the store for an ice cream sandwich and look for pretty rocks in the driveway....both of which we had already done.

One day my aunt Ruth had to go to "town" aka Pulaski, TN. We had the time. We had the inclination.

We did it.

We waded.

All the way up to our thighs so that we wouldn't get our shorts wet and could get away with it. Except our shorts did get wet. Don't they always?

It was so peaceful wading in the pond watching the cows do the same upstream.

Filthy, I think, is the word she used when she returned. WTF?

Goal 1: Reward 1

2007-10-11T11:29:00.000-05:00

This week my goal is to hit the dreadmill three times for at least 20 minutes. I know I can do that, so of course I've already planned my first reward.

Rub me all night long! Or at least for the hour I'm paying for. K?

I will have earned it by Saturday and since rewards are best utilized when administered quickly, I'm getting rubbed right away!

Update: Two sessions on the treadmill down, one to go. Both were for 30 minutes and I HATED. EVERY. MINUTE. OF. IT. It's gotta get easier!

Oddities Day 3

2007-10-10T08:49:00.000-05:00

Last night upon returning from the gym, Linda and I walk in to find the TV on. The same TV that I had turned off when I left.

Anybody know a good exorcist?

Either the ghostie skipped Monday's fun or I missed it. Probably the latter.

Nevermind about the mean girls

2007-10-10T08:45:00.000-05:00

I was going to post this morning about the mean girls and then I got to thinkin'. Am I not the one usually telling folks to look at the opposite view? So I'm gonna.

Mean girls grow up to be mean women. 'Nuff said. Of course, I just came to that realization yesterday. I'm a little slow on the uptake somtimes.

On the other hand, yesterday I got my girlfriend back. Not my GIRLFRIEND, but my girlfriend, Zammi. Not that I had really lost her, but I kinda hadn't been keeping up with her like we once did. Back when we were Weight Watcher buddies.

See, several years ago I was floundering on Weight Watchers. I went on the boards and asked for a buddy. I think I came away with 8 women who wanted me. Yeah, they WANTED me. Wanted to be my buddy. Wanted to email and chat and support. They were all gung ho in the beginning. After about a month, Zammi was left. Years later, she's still there. She's one of those people who doesn't drift away too far.

We've kept in touch, although both of us have been floundering with our weight loss. Except she's decided to have a weight loss surgery. She's going through the initial phases and is almost ready for THE DEAL.

Yesterday, I had a hard day. I realized that I'm fat and not changing anything. I'm not getting in any cardio. Not eating right enough. Eventually, I'll be old and fat. I don't want that. I dont' want to watch her get skinny and not be along for the ride.

So I emailed her. Asked her to be mine again. She said YES!!!! I had tears in my eyes I was so happy.

Yesterday was such a great day. I got my girlfriend back!

I see you

2007-10-09T11:02:00.000-05:00

Time to delurk. Wasn't Friday "Official Delurking Day?"

Come on. Delurk.

Say something! Anything....

I know you're there. I can see you on the sitemeter. Yeah, I'm nosy like that.

Light my fire...or unlight it

2007-10-07T10:53:00.000-05:00

Odd things are happening to me again. Not way odd...just a tad odd.

On Saturday, I was cleaning house and had my new yummy candles lit to make things smell all nice like for when my girl got home. As I was on my way to the shower to get cleaned up, I blew them out. When I got out of the shower, two of them were relit. Yeah, I know. Odd.

It reminded me of a time during my college years when strange things started happening. Same strange things. Candles lighting and going out on their own.

On Sunday, I lit the same ones. Later, two of them were out.

Fuckity fuck. What does it all mean? Why can't the ghosties write me notes. I'm way too simple minded for all of this hinting!

Add 3 oz. of almonds per day....

2007-10-05T09:34:00.000-05:00

No, not biscotti. Not roasted. Not dipped. Not encased in snickers love. Just raw.

"Researchers at the City of Hope Medical Center (Duarte, California) studied two groups of overweight people, both on medically supervised low-calorie liquid diets. One group added 3 ounces of almonds to their daily diet, while the other group added the same amount of calories from complex carbs like popcorn and Triscuit crackers. Both groups ate the same number of calories daily, about 1,000. During the 24-week study, the almond-eating group lost more weight even though they ate the same number of calories as the carb group. Same calories, different results."

From: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0KGB/is_10_5/ai_n8694278

Think about tomorrow

2007-10-02T14:52:00.000-05:00

From AOL:
It's a pain to plan meals ahead of time. And you already know all about serving sizes, right? Three ounces of protein, half-cup of vegetables, etc. Remember, if you eat only what you feel like eating, you won't lose weight. Planning is a crucial skill for tomorrow, when your motivation to stick to your diet isn't as high as it is today.

Poison

2007-10-01T08:36:00.000-05:00

"All things are poison and nothing is without poison, only the dose permits something not to be poisonous." ~Paracelsus

Too much food.
Too much TV.
Too much alcohol.
Too much, too much.

I need to chain myself to the treadmill....

2007-09-28T13:55:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking that it's the only way that I'm ever going to spend any time on there!

I'm getting goose bumps already....

2007-09-27T13:41:00.000-05:00

just thinkin' about my girl dressing up as Captain Jack Sparrow. Is it wrong of me to have her participate in my fantasies without knowing it?

A little present for myself ....

2007-09-24T13:09:00.000-05:00

Perhaps someone else will like it too?

It'll be part of my Busty Wench Halloween costume at the end of the month....but I'm thinking of giving it a trial run before that! (wink wink)

And yes, it came with the leather thong!

My birthday's coming up....

2007-09-20T08:25:00.000-05:00

www.ohmibod.com

I'm just sayin'.

What do you collect?

2007-09-19T02:58:00.000-05:00

Shannon is going to Boston and asks me what would I like her to bring me back. Being geographically retarded of the Northern United States, I have no clue. None. I mean, I know that they had that tea party and all...but I have plenty of tea.

Would I like some Boston Baked Beans? Celtic stuff? Red Sox Jersey?

Um, beans make me gassy. She's still laughing....apparently they're not REALLY beans. And I'm not much of a sports fan.

What do I collect?

Oh, geez. I don't collect anything.

Although, I'm thinking of starting a millionnaire butch collection with a side collection of gold and diamonds.

Strange Days

2007-09-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

I was in a funk yesterday. I think it's because things are so different now. My new girl has been here for about a month now. And
you know, it's just so damn strange.

After 10 years with th ex and things always being in an uproar...I'm not used to the calmness of it all. The help. The kindness. The love. I think the funk was because we have such a flat curve on the drama scale.

There are no blow ups from her. No threats. No crying and screaming. No throwing of knives, picture frames, etc. No withholding of affection. No, "I'm going to kill myself"....not reallys. No "I must have all the attention." No drama.

It's just day after day of good. I cook and prep things for her lunch. She cleans up after herself. We work out together and support each other. She's sweet and loving and so am I. The sex is phenomenal with tons of passion. When I'm in my Libra slug mode, she takes care of me. I rub her little pointy head for hours on end to her pleasure.

I have absolutely no complaints. I mean, well sometimes she doesn't put the liner in the trash can. Occasionally she parks behind me so that I have to move her truck. But come on...that's it. Those are the teensy little problems that I deal with.

Plus, the hot, lesbian sex that we have rocks my world. You should have SEEN the hot tub event last week....the neighbors could!

Did I mention that there's a house for sale two doors down?

Poor, Undernourished Butches of the World

2007-09-18T11:14:00.000-05:00

For the past few weeks, I've been such the good lesbo-wife. Making sandwiches for her lunch, prepping the protein shakes, cooking healthy dinners.

My Love was whiney the other night about the KIND of sandwich in her pail while I'm on the phone with my best-butch-buddy. (As if!) My best-butch commented that there are poor, little butches out there who have no one to feed them. She would LOVE a sandwich...any kind. She COVETS my yummy salads with 20 ingredients slathered in homemade (sometimes) dressings. Would LOVE to just add water to her protein shakes that are lovingly prepared and ready to shake.

Now mind you, I would NEVER give up my girl. The sex is good. She works in the yard. Picks up after herself. Keeps me laughing. But sometimes, the appreciation isn't there.

And I'm doing this for her. FOR HER. It makes me wonder why I don't reserve this same kind of speciality for myself and the snacks that I allow myself.

Hmmm.

Getting on top of the cardio

2007-09-16T09:22:00.000-05:00

The sex has been phenomenal this week. I mean, honestly, she should be teaching classes. I know that it's burning a few calories, but I'm still on the bottom. I want to feel like getting back on top. Back when I weighed 200 pounds, no problem. I was a firm 200. Not now. Hell no, not now!

The problem is that I still FEEL like that sexy woman. I'm just not looking so much like her anymore.

Now's the time to start LOOKING the way I FEEL on the inside.

And for dessert...some bony hips

2007-09-15T10:10:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know THAT's a stretch, but a girl can wish. I would have suture marks all over me!

Oh and add a side of abs to those great tits!

2007-09-14T09:35:00.001-05:00

Guess while I'm under I might as well get it all!

Why change?

2007-09-14T08:32:00.000-05:00

Because I want to have good boobs. I know. It's shallow. But hey, at least I can admit my shallowness. I like boobs. I like boobs on my sex partner. I like my boobs...they're just not as perky as I want them. The way to get them perky? Lose weight and have surgery.

So, sadly one of my reasons to lose weight is to have good boobs. I may be old...but I'll have great tits!

See, I could have said crap like:

I want to lose weight to feel better and have more energy and while that's true...it's not AS true as I wanna have great tits.

Tick Tock

2007-09-13T09:52:00.000-05:00

So much wasted time has just passed me by. The Weight Watcher folks are notorious for saying "Time will pass whether you lose weight or not...might as well try!" It's an excellent point.

My goal is for our household, lesbian though it may be, to eat better. Healthier. Whole foods. Less junk. Although that's a feat in and of itself to separate Gail from her junk foods. She's buying healthier junk food, so that's a plus. The last one was

http://www.taquitos.net/im/sn/MightyBites-SCO.jpg

Sour Cream and Onion Rice Chips. YUM! You get an incredible 30-something chips per serving.

Jumper Cables

2007-09-13T09:13:00.000-05:00

I seem to have lost my charge amidst the girlfriend from Georgia moving in and the house being in a complete uproar for three weeks. And honestly, I was nuts for three weeks before she moved in...so there...add that to the time table.

And now I'm up to 269. That's what I weighed this morning. Down from 270 yesterday which freaked me the fuck out. 270!!! How'd THAT happen? 269 is so much nicer, isn't it? It's only a pound, but it puts me in thee 260s which is where I've been for about a year and a half.

The body has changed during that 18 months due to the weight training, but the scale remains in stone.

It must be me. It MUST. BE. ME. That's the only conclusion left.

I'm not doing anything to change my weight. I'm not focused. I'm not "trying" hard enough.

Although, I am doing some things right. And that's what I've focused on while I've not lost any poundage. But it just isnt' good enough any more.

Time to jump start this body into a new place.

Hey now...I'm still here!

2007-02-02T13:54:00.000-06:00

I'm still doing some things right. I'm still pumping iron. I decline benched 135 for 5 reps, then 4 reps and then 3 reps last night. I do 200 crunches, and can leg press 500 pounds. So, there's something to be said for that.

See Z-girl...I'm focusing on the postive!

AND, I've been getting up at 5:15am most mornings and getting on the treadmill. This morning I did 20 minutes on the bike then 20 on the treadmill with three intervals of 2 minutes of jogging.

Food...not so good. But I'm getting better.

One decision at a time!

XOXO

Just another day saving lives....

2006-04-12T15:05:00.000-05:00

Today, I received this email from a friend on a pet diabetes list. Made me feel good to know that I helped someone with what I went through with Trace. Here's hoping everything works out for Simba.

Hi guys
i just hung up with tonia. simba is at tuft's university vet
hospital. YIPEE!!!. Lynn, it was your post that convinced her that it
was worth going further into hock to save Simba's life. The Internist
at the hospital told her that Simba should survive this and that she
needs some of acute care, some nutritional supplements, some more
tests, etc. They also think Simba needs to be tested for Cushings.
Apparently the internist in no way concurred with the opinion of one
of the doctors at the last place that simba should be put down.

When Tonia called me late last night, because the folks at the other
place were hanging crepe, I told her not to do anything, not to give
any permission for anything. I had a feeling that the people there
had run out of options, not that there weren't more options. It was
Lynn's email which convinced her to go to Tufts. GOOD JOB LYNN.

Tonia and her husband Shawn are driving home now, having left Simba
there. Tonia sounds much better than she did last night or even
earlier today. She will update later, but is eternally grateful for
everyone's support, prayers, good wishes and general help.

Ok,
I've gone on too long. But I am cheered after speaking with her.
Thanks everyone for your concern.
hester

OF course I am....

2006-03-21T11:44:00.000-06:00

You Are The Lovers

You represent ideal love: innocence, trust, exhilaration and joy.
You demonstrate the harmony of opposites, two sides coming together.
At times, you also represent the struggle between what is right and what is tempting.
Control is an issue for you, especially when you don't know your reasons for choosing something.

Your fortune:

You have an important choice you need to make about love, and it will be a difficult choice to make.
You are likely struggling between the love you crave and the love that is right.
In the end, you will choose what you crave, even if it's bad for you.
Because without what you crave, you will feel empty and incomplete.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Now that's more truth than I wanted. I thought this would be fun....not looking into my SOUL!!!

Powerlifting Anyone?

2006-03-08T14:26:00.000-06:00

This is my new trainer, Wade. He can lift unGODLY amounts of weight and is drug-free.

He's going to teach me how to eat better and build up my muscles so that I can burn some of this fat off my body.

Good luck, Wade.

Will I try anything? Yes, I will. I'm not powerlifting, just strength training a few times a week.

Living in the Moment

2005-12-21T11:20:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'm great at it...living in the moment. Right here, right now, enjoying myself. And I'm just as effortless with the excuses. Most recently, my wrist surgery.

I can't use it. I can't bend it. I can't pick up things, so I haven't bothered to keep up with what I'm eating. Makes sense, huh?

Before, when I was in better shape, I lived for the losing. I worked out hard to get that scale to move down. And now, I live for right now. Eat the cake for right now. Watch TV for right now.

It's T.I.M.E.

Looks like a boring death for me

2005-12-17T14:11:00.000-06:00

Kinda nice to know I won't be suffocated though. I'd hate that.

You scored as Natural Causes from QuizFarm.com

Your death will be by natural causes, though not by any diseaese, because that is another option on this test. You will probably just silently pass away in the night from old age, and people you love won't realize until the next morning, when you are all purple and cold and icky. So be happy, you won't be murdered.

Natural Causes 80%
Disappear 73%
Posion 53%
Suicide 47%
Stabbed 40%
Gunshot 40%
Bomb 33%
Cut Throat 33%
Drowning 27%
Accident 27%
Disease 20%
Eaten 20%
Suffocated 0%

Even the fruit is looking good...

2005-12-16T08:54:00.000-06:00

Today I'm going under the knife to have a ganglion cyst removed from my wrist. Anything that's ganglion isn't staying on this body.

The surgery's not the big deal. It's the abstinance. No food after midnight. No water after 7am. Although I went until 7:30am...I was dryin' up.

And the bad thing is....this place is covered up with food. There's home made fudge, cookies, peanut brittle, chips and salsa, nut mix, honey roasted turkey breast, and two baskets of fresh fruit. It looks like heaven in a basket to me.

Oranges, apples, bananas, tangerines, pears, grapes....give 'em to me!

Ridin' in a $175,000 Hummer

2005-12-15T13:29:00.000-06:00

Last night as I was putting off getting on the treadmill until the very last second, an H1 pulls into my driveway. WHO IN THE....I'm thinking as my neighbor zips the window down.

He comes in and has a beer with me and allows me to ask all of the questions that a person driving a $25,000 car asks. SigOth comes in also wondering "Who in the..." and takes a seat. After a few, we need more beer.

Yes, we did. We all pile up into that big thing and hit the road. I'm wondering where my adult sensibilities are? I only wondered those things like, 'What if we get caught?" and "What if we have a wreck?" for a split second and decide to let loose and enjoy the ride. I have no ID on me, nothing to tell someone who I am.

It was fun. Powerful, even. To have no responsibility when you're usually the one that is sitting in that seat. If we have a wreck, I'll be the girl that wanders off into the woods along the interstate and finds her way home another way.

We made the loop down the pike, off the interstate at the next exit, to the beer store...and then a little diversion to see what this thing can do. Okay, the first thing we did was park on the sidewalk by the liquor store. I laughed out loud. I'm a teenager.

Then he pulls into my family's business center to do God knows what. I said, "Not HERE!" and we go to the next lot up. Did I mention that there's a 4' embankment that we climbed with no effort? Then we did the 60 degree turn. Amazing. The army guys must have a BALL in that thing. It was just like theirs except white with the kids that stole it inside.

I'm such a wild child.

Today, I'm 40 again.

But last night, I was 16!

Old Farmers' Advice:

2005-12-13T10:52:00.002-06:00

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't just happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. (Man, I need to learn this one!)

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

What they think of me....

2005-12-13T10:33:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine thought it would be lovely to make a scrapbook for me for my 40th birthday. Now, it didn't work out, but here are two of the entries that would have made the book.

It's interesting to see how people think of you. Forty years is a long time to live. These are my two oldest friends. I should have known they would come through with something great. How wonderful it is to have good friends.

From Shauna:
One story in particular I can not think of but when I think of Lynn these things come to mind...

Frozen Chocolate covered bananas...mmm
Apple computer..the.only person I know has one
being followed in her new car around hermitage.."if they hit you DO NOT STOP!!!"
wine festivals in Clarksville
strawberry pancakes
RED RED WINE
RED RED HAIR
Quick to save a runaway friend with no shoes....
and quick to lend a room
punch bowls of something tasty and a bit naughty
Pigs in a blanket
But most of all when I think of Lynn, I feel a sense of warmness rush over me, cause no matter how long it has been or how far and few between our visits...it is like coming home..love you Lynn...bless us all with another 40!!!

From Anne Marie:

One story I remember from our time in school together was: We were in a class on the theories of psychology, taught by the head of the department. He was a rather older man, and very set in his ways.

We were discussing Freud, I think, and someone said something about how anti-woman he seemed to be. The professor got very bothered about that. Lynn spoke up and said, “Yes, I think he’s misogynistic.” The professor just stopped, and stared, and stammered, and finally said, “I think that’s a made-up word!”

We were all stunned! Lynn looked at him, and said, “No, that’s a REAL word, and it means anti-woman. You can look it up in your dictionary. It’s spelled M-I-S-O-G-Y-N-I-S-T-I-C!” He just got red in the face, and changed subjects. We were amazed that the head of the psychology department didn’t know that word or what it meant!

But Lynn stood her ground, and put him in his place. And I think she made an A in that class, too!

Trim Spa, BABEEEEEEEEEEE

2005-12-13T07:39:00.000-06:00

This morning, I took two TrimSpa Baby pills. Fact is, in and of themselves, they are big enough to choke a horse. I'm wondering if, with the glass of water that I just downed, these things will swell enough to make me look like a malnourished child with the distended belly.

I've had a Slimfast bar and two of the blonde bombshell pills. I'm feeling quite full right now. Maybe that's the ticket. Just take a pill that expands to fit your belly and go on about your day. Because frankly, I’m not sure that I’m all that into the diet thing.

I know I should be because I’m fat. But that’s not really making it happen for me. I’m not much of a girl that does things because she should. Actually, I’m quite the opposite.

What she deserves...

2005-12-09T13:02:00.000-06:00

My mother is redecorating her kitchen. You would think by her telling of how horrible/time-consuming/taxing this has been that we had taken over a small country. It's almost over and it's taken about 6 weeks. It's taken this long because she was born without the part of her brain that makes decisions.

She has no idea how to narrow her choices to three and then pick from those. That's where I come in. I'm not sure that she's loving anything that "we've" picked out lately, but it was necessary that I help her. She would still be wallowing in her own wondering if I didn't.

I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday we went back to the tile store for the second day in a row. I took her on a preemptive strike the day before just so it wouldn't take so long yesterday. They'll be laying the tile next Tuesday and it will be finished. Thank you, Lord.

My point is that she deserves to have a lovely kitchen and she will have it. I'm happy for her. I just wish she knew how to love what she's getting instead of seeing the negatives. During this past six weeks, people have lost limbs, children, loved ones, homes to fires and yet, she thinks she's had it rough. She can't see the glory of it all.

Her eyes just cannot see.

Putting Somebody First....Who will it be?

2005-12-08T10:44:00.000-06:00

I know we've all heard it, but I'm going to go Oprah on you. Mainly because I need to hear it.

Put yourselves first. A healthy you is the best way to take care of everyone else.

Make time for...

Exercise...even if it's just 15 minutes and I'm gonna get my hair all sweaty.
Friends....laughter, serious discussions to solve the world's problems, etc.
Quiet time alone
Shopping
Parents...even though they drive us nuts. They won't always be here to do so.
Planning meals and healthy snacks.
Alcohol....I've made lots of time for this lately.
Artistic endeavors. We all need it. Even if it's coloring with the kids.

I'm the world's worst at putting myself last. I'm going to change that. Me first.

ME. ME. ME!

The Athlete Inside Me...

2005-12-07T09:35:00.000-06:00

Well, there is one. It's just hard to see past the fat.

I remember how it *felt* to run back when I was in shape. It was wonderful. Free. Easy. And now, it's just hard. My soul wants to run, but my body's holding me back. Well, my body and my mind. My mind because I'm not controlling what I eat.

I joined the YMCA ( a gift from my mother) around the first of November. I must say that I'm doing remarkably well. I actually jogged a bit yesterday despite my fat ass. Some days I walk for 30 minutes, some days I feel like going for an hour. I'm forcing myself. I have the time. I have no excuses. I have the clothes. And finally, I'm doing it. I guess I should be proud, but I don't want to look this way. I don't want to be hindered by all of this junk in my trunk.

And yet, I eat the junk that places more junk in my trunk. I need to be locked in a fat farm for a year...if not longer. Do they still wire people's mouths shut? That might be the answer. No. Probably not. I'd just run down to Sonic and get a Gingerbread shake. That would slide right through.

Will it be easier after the holidays? Yes. Will it be easy? No. What would make this easy? Does it have to be for me to do it? Why can't I know it's going to be hard and do it anyway? Why, why, why? Perhaps the Nike people are right.

Just call me Julie, the blog thief.

2005-10-11T09:11:00.000-05:00

Star (because I don't know how to do bold in a blog!) all those that you ever were guilty of doing. When you are done, add one thing that is true about yourself to the end, then post the list to your blog.

* I’ve run away from home. (Took my stuffed monkey to the end of the driveway.)
I listen to political music.
I collect comic books.
I shut others out when I’m sad.
I open up to others easily.
* I am keeping a secret from the world. (I know some good ones)
* I watch the news.
I own over 5 rap CDs.
* I own an iPod. (And I’m damn proud of it)
I own something from Hot Topic.
* I love Disney movies.
* I am a sucker for hair/eyes.
* I don’t kill bugs.
I have “x”s in my screen name.
I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a real conversation.
I love Spam.
* I bake well.
* I would wear pajamas to school/work.
I own something from Abercrombie.
* I have a job.
* I love Martha Stewart. (I think she’s even better for the prison experience!)
* I am in love with someone.
I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
* I am self conscious.
* I like to laugh. (I LOVE to laugh)
I smoke a pack a day.
I loved Go Ask Alice.
I have cough drops when I’m not sick.
I can’t swallow pills.
* I quit smoking. (I was 12 and it wasn’t so bad.)
* I have many scars.
* I’ve been out of this country.
* I believe in ghosts.
* I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
* I am really ticklish.
* I love chocolate.
I bite my nails.
* I am comfortable with being me.
* I play computer games/video games when I’m bored.
* Gotten lost in the city.
* Saw a shooting star.
* I have had 2 serious surgical procedures. (OK, maybe it just felt serious at the time)
* I have kissed a stranger.
* Hugged a stranger.
* Been in a fist fight with the same sex. (Although, bed rugby is much more fun!)
Been arrested.
* Laughed and had milk/soda come out of your nose.
* Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
* Made out in an elevator.
Sworn at my parents.
Kicked a guy where it hurts.
Been skydiving.
Been bungee jumping.
* Broken a bone. (Toes count, right?)
* Played spin the bottle.
Gotten stitches.
* Bitten someone.
Been to Niagara Falls.
* Gotten the chicken pox.
* Crashed into a car.
Been to Asia.
* Ridden in a taxi.
* Shoplifted.
* Been fired.
* Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
* Had a crush on a teacher/coach. (He let me try his Gin & Tonic in a plane over Paris….I think he kinda liked me, too.)
Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
* Been to Europe.
* Slept with a co-worker.
Been married.
Gotten divorced.
Saw someone dying.
* Driven over 400 miles in one day.
Been to Canada.
* Been on a plane.
* Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. (I can’t count the times!)
* Thrown up in a bar. (I crawled to the bathroom…thinking I was going to throw up)
* Eaten Sushi.
Been snowboarding.
* Been skiing.
* Been ice skating.
Met someone in person from the internet.
* Been to a car show.
* Gone to college.
* Done hard drugs.
* Taken painkillers.
Met a celebrity.
* I like playing practical jokes.
Seen all nine seasons of the X-Files.
Once swore Disco would never die.
* Seen a ghost.
* Attended a professional sporting event.
* Attended a live rock concert.
* Stayed up all night.
* Lied about my name. (If you meet a Julie or Gwen that looks just like me, well….it’s me)
* Thrown something at a spouse. (Still regret missing her with my 3” stacked heel)
* After a night out, have gone straight to work without going home. (Over & over & over)
* Flirted with someone just to make them feel better about themselves.

Inner Turmoil and the Red Purse

2005-09-28T08:45:00.000-05:00

I'm one of those people that when I want something I buy it. No problem making decisions. Just do it. Or so I thought.

Last Saturday, I'm browsing for purses when this gorgeous red number grabs my attention. Not bright red, but a soft dark red by Franco Sarto with big silver loops on each side. Oh...it's just so me.

And then I hear it. "You can't get a red bag. It's impractical. YOU always carry a black bag, so it goes with everything and you only need one bag." So I put up the red bag and go searching for a cute black one. And I find a black one just like the red one that I LOVE. But it doesn't thrill me like the red one did. I don't see myself on the red carpet with the black one. I'm not at all the cool Hollywood parties with the black one. But I've gotta have a black one, because frankly, red just doesn't go with everything. A girl has to be practical.

So, I put the black one in my cart. Ugh. And I think..."Here I am again, another season with a practical, though quite cute, black purse." And I'm not going to do it. I want to change and be the girl that carries the beautiful red purse. Now I'm racing back to find the red purse of my dreams. Hoping that the other woman shopping for purses hasn't snatched it. And she hadn't. It's mine. MINE, MINE, MINE.

Now, I still have to have a black bag, so I go practical and find a fairly cheap, but still hip black one. So, when I HAVE to give up the red one, I have a fall-back black bag. And I leave the store happy and immediately throw my essentials into my new hipper than hip purse.

And I told you that to tell you this...I wonder if that's what happens in my mother's head. I wonder if she goes, "Oh, I LOVE that ________!!!" and then she hears her mother's voice telling her to be practical and careful not to get something she might hate in six months. I wonder if she ever lets herself go and gets the red purse?

Yesterday we went to pick out granite together for her new kitchen. We took a sample of something we liked and the guy showed us three similar ones. We picked two of those and looked at 10 more slabs that she might be interested in. Nope, she still liked the first two. One is expensive and one isn't so bad. I hope she goes for the expensive one. It's beautiful and I know she likes it better. And frankly, she's worth it. She deserves to have something that every time she sees it, she says, "WOW" in her own mind.

Do we all have our mother's voices in our heads? Or our mother's mothers? How far back does that mental voice go? Is a piece of each past mother passed down through each mother to their children? I wonder how my great great great grandmother would have responded to my red purse? Would she have bought it? Or would it have been too much of a reach for her?

I wonder.

The Great Provider...

2005-09-21T13:38:00.000-05:00

It worries me. What if something happened to me? What would she do? Would she then decide that it's time to buck up and "work for someone else" which she say's she "can't" do?

If I died tomorrow, could she pay the rent, the electric bills, etc? It's about $1,500 a month and it's tough to do. I would hope that she could.

It's hard being the provider. The one where the buck stops. It's hard being the one that has to go to a hellish job so someone else can live their dream.

When will it be my turn? When will it be my turn to "not have a boss"? Because frankly, I hate it too. I hate having to show up on time every day and do things that are so boring that it makes my brain feel like it's dying on the spot. I hate working for people that think I do nothing all day. i hate not living my dream, but frankly, I can't afford to live my dream because I'm funding someone else's.

I waited entirely too long to stop her from using my credit cards. She pays nothing. She remembers none of the times she needed money to get DDC supplies, or when we started the business and I put the first two months rent on my credit card. Stupid. But stupid is done. That will not happen ever again. I will slit my own throat before I make that mistake again.

What will she do when it's time for retirement? What will she do when her parents can't retire and need her help? What will she do when Rosie needs money for college?

What will she do when I'm not here anymore?

Sippin' a Smoothie....

2005-08-16T10:18:00.000-05:00

And thinking about what I've eaten today. I had a 6 point WW meal for breakfast and it satisfied me until just a few minutes ago. Maybe I need a bigger breakfast? One that doesn't include chocolate?

For my snack, I had a grapple and a Carb Control Smoothie. Nice, very nice.

I met with Bonnie Young last night and had my first pallette knife class. I'm sitting here looking at my rendition of John, my pet rooster. Everyone wants to tough it. And I keep telling them, it's wet. And yet, they touch it. I think that's a great sign. I want my art to be touchable.

I actually feel good today. Normal...not nervous like I have been. Not yet anyway. I think the Irish Festival will do me good. Get away. Let Devi take care of Punkin'. Relax and focus on something else. See some different scenery.

I'm feeling satisfied today. Could be the good breakfast or the satisfaction from painting something that I'm pretty happy with. Either way, it's nice.

I'm still waiting...

2005-08-15T07:40:00.000-05:00

I'm still waiting for me to turn myself around. No one can do it but me. And for some reason, I'm just not. Not doing it. Not chosing correcty. I'm rebelling against what I should eat and eating the things that taste good. Some days I do better than others. Yesterday wasn't so bad. Plus, I cleaned the carpets and sweated a ton~!

I'm going to the Irish Festival with Nikki on Thursday. It's going to be a lot of walking. I know it will be good for me!