Better than everyone else!

I almost said I ate just like everyone else last night, but I didn't. I ate better. I filled my plate with the veggies and had a small portion of BBQ. Others had 2 plates, I only had the one. And it was enough. I wasn't stuffed. I wasn't still hungry. Just right!

I didn't have to have a snack or dessert later. I was content. Nikki and I have been getting along better and I know that helps.

It was such a victory just to eat normally. Wow. I did it! One day down. God knows how many more to go.

Not so normal....

I'm doing good for breakfast and lunch and totally losing my focus at dinner. What is it about dinner that is so important to me? Dinner is about unwinding and letting go for me. And I'm doing it with food. I guess some people do it with alcohol. Some people do it with conversation. Some people meditate. I'm going to have to learn another way.

Like night before last, I was so relaxed after painting that I thought, I'll just skip dinner. Then I remembered that I had to go to my mother's for dinner and it was a late dinner. I pigged out. Ugly, it was.

It's like my brain freezes at dinner and I don't pay any attention to what I'm doing. I just eat and enjoy. It's got to stop. Every day I have a new chance to do it right. And I've not managed it for some time now. Tonight is a new opportunity. It's like when I'm alone, I have much more control. With other people around, I just give in and eat what they're eating.

I need a plan. I know that we're having BBQ tonight. And it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I can have a small portion of BBQ and fill the rest of my plate with veggies. No big deal. And I need to SLOW DOWN! I eat way too fast. Like it will dispel my feelings if I can get the food down. And it does. That's the real problem. This is working for me. I've got to find another way.

I'll try a new way tonight. I have to. I'm killing myself.

So Far, So Normal...

I decided to have one of my chalky, funky protein shakes for breakfast. I was hungry again about 10:30ish which was normal for me, so I had a slimfast bar. That's six WW points, not bad for a morning. And now for lunch. I need to go light, otherwise my WW buddy will see that I've gone over. Not that she's hard on me. I just need to get back on track with my eating. And I'm trying to be reasonable today and not overdo it.

The Tomato Pie for dinner sent me way over on dinner points, so I'm making up for it this morning. I think that's probably what normal people would do. I ate too much last night, so I'll go light today. I wonder if they think about it....or if it's just natural. Natural would be nice. If all of this was easy and it just kinda happened. Probably not likely with me.

As for how I'm feeling right now...I feel full. Kinda stuffed almost. I guess the Slimfast bar was too much? Maybe I should try halfsies? Portion control is not my strong suit.

Now, what to do for lunch? It needs to be light. Relax and don't overdo it. I can always have a snack at 3:30ish. Just not the junk food at DDC!

Nobody's Watching Me...

Not me, not you, nobody. When you get overweight, people just stop seeing you. It's like being invisible. Although someone SHOULD say, "Damn, you're fat!" No one says a word. And the only way to be seen again is to be normal. Eat normal and you'll look normal.

So, I'm trying to remember "normal." Normal was 8 years ago. It was cereal and milk for breakfast, chicken noodle soup or a sandwich for lunch (not both), and pasta for dinner. I'm not normal anymore, but I'm going on a search for it. I'm going to try to find a normal day within myself. Feel what it feels like to be hungry and not rush for something to eat immediately or especially not before.

If good intentions are the pathway to hell...I should be getting warm. I've intended to eat better for a long time now, and I'm just not doing it. I mindlessly eat. I eat for comfort. I eat out of boredom. I eat for social time with friends. But mostly, I just eat. I eat too much. Too often. Nothing is special anymore because there's just too much food in my life. I remember when dessert was an event because I didn't eat sweets everyday.

I've lost the specialness of special foods. Too much is too much now. There's too much food and I'm too fat.

Today I'm going to try to be normal. Feel normal. Eat normal. It may stress me out, but that'll be okay. I won't die from being stressed.