Inner Turmoil and the Red Purse

I'm one of those people that when I want something I buy it. No problem making decisions. Just do it. Or so I thought.

Last Saturday, I'm browsing for purses when this gorgeous red number grabs my attention. Not bright red, but a soft dark red by Franco Sarto with big silver loops on each side. Oh...it's just so me.

And then I hear it. "You can't get a red bag. It's impractical. YOU always carry a black bag, so it goes with everything and you only need one bag." So I put up the red bag and go searching for a cute black one. And I find a black one just like the red one that I LOVE. But it doesn't thrill me like the red one did. I don't see myself on the red carpet with the black one. I'm not at all the cool Hollywood parties with the black one. But I've gotta have a black one, because frankly, red just doesn't go with everything. A girl has to be practical.

So, I put the black one in my cart. Ugh. And I think..."Here I am again, another season with a practical, though quite cute, black purse." And I'm not going to do it. I want to change and be the girl that carries the beautiful red purse. Now I'm racing back to find the red purse of my dreams. Hoping that the other woman shopping for purses hasn't snatched it. And she hadn't. It's mine. MINE, MINE, MINE.

Now, I still have to have a black bag, so I go practical and find a fairly cheap, but still hip black one. So, when I HAVE to give up the red one, I have a fall-back black bag. And I leave the store happy and immediately throw my essentials into my new hipper than hip purse.

And I told you that to tell you this...I wonder if that's what happens in my mother's head. I wonder if she goes, "Oh, I LOVE that ________!!!" and then she hears her mother's voice telling her to be practical and careful not to get something she might hate in six months. I wonder if she ever lets herself go and gets the red purse?

Yesterday we went to pick out granite together for her new kitchen. We took a sample of something we liked and the guy showed us three similar ones. We picked two of those and looked at 10 more slabs that she might be interested in. Nope, she still liked the first two. One is expensive and one isn't so bad. I hope she goes for the expensive one. It's beautiful and I know she likes it better. And frankly, she's worth it. She deserves to have something that every time she sees it, she says, "WOW" in her own mind.

Do we all have our mother's voices in our heads? Or our mother's mothers? How far back does that mental voice go? Is a piece of each past mother passed down through each mother to their children? I wonder how my great great great grandmother would have responded to my red purse? Would she have bought it? Or would it have been too much of a reach for her?

I wonder.

The Great Provider...

It worries me. What if something happened to me? What would she do? Would she then decide that it's time to buck up and "work for someone else" which she say's she "can't" do?

If I died tomorrow, could she pay the rent, the electric bills, etc? It's about $1,500 a month and it's tough to do. I would hope that she could.

It's hard being the provider. The one where the buck stops. It's hard being the one that has to go to a hellish job so someone else can live their dream.

When will it be my turn? When will it be my turn to "not have a boss"? Because frankly, I hate it too. I hate having to show up on time every day and do things that are so boring that it makes my brain feel like it's dying on the spot. I hate working for people that think I do nothing all day. i hate not living my dream, but frankly, I can't afford to live my dream because I'm funding someone else's.

I waited entirely too long to stop her from using my credit cards. She pays nothing. She remembers none of the times she needed money to get DDC supplies, or when we started the business and I put the first two months rent on my credit card. Stupid. But stupid is done. That will not happen ever again. I will slit my own throat before I make that mistake again.

What will she do when it's time for retirement? What will she do when her parents can't retire and need her help? What will she do when Rosie needs money for college?

What will she do when I'm not here anymore?