Living in the Moment

Yes, I'm great at it...living in the moment. Right here, right now, enjoying myself. And I'm just as effortless with the excuses. Most recently, my wrist surgery.

I can't use it. I can't bend it. I can't pick up things, so I haven't bothered to keep up with what I'm eating. Makes sense, huh?

Before, when I was in better shape, I lived for the losing. I worked out hard to get that scale to move down. And now, I live for right now. Eat the cake for right now. Watch TV for right now.

It's T.I.M.E.

Looks like a boring death for me

Kinda nice to know I won't be suffocated though. I'd hate that.

You scored as Natural Causes from QuizFarm.com

Your death will be by natural causes, though not by any diseaese, because that is another option on this test. You will probably just silently pass away in the night from old age, and people you love won't realize until the next morning, when you are all purple and cold and icky. So be happy, you won't be murdered.

Natural Causes 80%
Disappear 73%
Posion 53%
Suicide 47%
Stabbed 40%
Gunshot 40%
Bomb 33%
Cut Throat 33%
Drowning 27%
Accident 27%
Disease 20%
Eaten 20%
Suffocated 0%

Even the fruit is looking good...

Today I'm going under the knife to have a ganglion cyst removed from my wrist. Anything that's ganglion isn't staying on this body.

The surgery's not the big deal. It's the abstinance. No food after midnight. No water after 7am. Although I went until 7:30am...I was dryin' up.

And the bad thing is....this place is covered up with food. There's home made fudge, cookies, peanut brittle, chips and salsa, nut mix, honey roasted turkey breast, and two baskets of fresh fruit. It looks like heaven in a basket to me.

Oranges, apples, bananas, tangerines, pears, grapes....give 'em to me!

Ridin' in a $175,000 Hummer

Last night as I was putting off getting on the treadmill until the very last second, an H1 pulls into my driveway. WHO IN THE....I'm thinking as my neighbor zips the window down.

He comes in and has a beer with me and allows me to ask all of the questions that a person driving a $25,000 car asks. SigOth comes in also wondering "Who in the..." and takes a seat. After a few, we need more beer.

Yes, we did. We all pile up into that big thing and hit the road. I'm wondering where my adult sensibilities are? I only wondered those things like, 'What if we get caught?" and "What if we have a wreck?" for a split second and decide to let loose and enjoy the ride. I have no ID on me, nothing to tell someone who I am.

It was fun. Powerful, even. To have no responsibility when you're usually the one that is sitting in that seat. If we have a wreck, I'll be the girl that wanders off into the woods along the interstate and finds her way home another way.

We made the loop down the pike, off the interstate at the next exit, to the beer store...and then a little diversion to see what this thing can do. Okay, the first thing we did was park on the sidewalk by the liquor store. I laughed out loud. I'm a teenager.

Then he pulls into my family's business center to do God knows what. I said, "Not HERE!" and we go to the next lot up. Did I mention that there's a 4' embankment that we climbed with no effort? Then we did the 60 degree turn. Amazing. The army guys must have a BALL in that thing. It was just like theirs except white with the kids that stole it inside.

I'm such a wild child.

Today, I'm 40 again.

But last night, I was 16!

Old Farmers' Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't just happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. (Man, I need to learn this one!)

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

What they think of me....

A friend of mine thought it would be lovely to make a scrapbook for me for my 40th birthday. Now, it didn't work out, but here are two of the entries that would have made the book.

It's interesting to see how people think of you. Forty years is a long time to live. These are my two oldest friends. I should have known they would come through with something great. How wonderful it is to have good friends.

From Shauna:
One story in particular I can not think of but when I think of Lynn these things come to mind...

Frozen Chocolate covered bananas...mmm
Apple computer..the.only person I know has one
being followed in her new car around hermitage.."if they hit you DO NOT STOP!!!"
wine festivals in Clarksville
strawberry pancakes
RED RED WINE
RED RED HAIR
Quick to save a runaway friend with no shoes....
and quick to lend a room
punch bowls of something tasty and a bit naughty
Pigs in a blanket
But most of all when I think of Lynn, I feel a sense of warmness rush over me, cause no matter how long it has been or how far and few between our visits...it is like coming home..love you Lynn...bless us all with another 40!!!





From Anne Marie:

One story I remember from our time in school together was: We were in a class on the theories of psychology, taught by the head of the department. He was a rather older man, and very set in his ways.

We were discussing Freud, I think, and someone said something about how anti-woman he seemed to be. The professor got very bothered about that. Lynn spoke up and said, “Yes, I think he’s misogynistic.” The professor just stopped, and stared, and stammered, and finally said, “I think that’s a made-up word!”

We were all stunned! Lynn looked at him, and said, “No, that’s a REAL word, and it means anti-woman. You can look it up in your dictionary. It’s spelled M-I-S-O-G-Y-N-I-S-T-I-C!” He just got red in the face, and changed subjects. We were amazed that the head of the psychology department didn’t know that word or what it meant!

But Lynn stood her ground, and put him in his place. And I think she made an A in that class, too!

Trim Spa, BABEEEEEEEEEEE

This morning, I took two TrimSpa Baby pills. Fact is, in and of themselves, they are big enough to choke a horse. I'm wondering if, with the glass of water that I just downed, these things will swell enough to make me look like a malnourished child with the distended belly.

I've had a Slimfast bar and two of the blonde bombshell pills. I'm feeling quite full right now. Maybe that's the ticket. Just take a pill that expands to fit your belly and go on about your day. Because frankly, I’m not sure that I’m all that into the diet thing.

I know I should be because I’m fat. But that’s not really making it happen for me. I’m not much of a girl that does things because she should. Actually, I’m quite the opposite.

What she deserves...

My mother is redecorating her kitchen. You would think by her telling of how horrible/time-consuming/taxing this has been that we had taken over a small country. It's almost over and it's taken about 6 weeks. It's taken this long because she was born without the part of her brain that makes decisions.

She has no idea how to narrow her choices to three and then pick from those. That's where I come in. I'm not sure that she's loving anything that "we've" picked out lately, but it was necessary that I help her. She would still be wallowing in her own wondering if I didn't.

I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday we went back to the tile store for the second day in a row. I took her on a preemptive strike the day before just so it wouldn't take so long yesterday. They'll be laying the tile next Tuesday and it will be finished. Thank you, Lord.

My point is that she deserves to have a lovely kitchen and she will have it. I'm happy for her. I just wish she knew how to love what she's getting instead of seeing the negatives. During this past six weeks, people have lost limbs, children, loved ones, homes to fires and yet, she thinks she's had it rough. She can't see the glory of it all.

Her eyes just cannot see.

Putting Somebody First....Who will it be?

I know we've all heard it, but I'm going to go Oprah on you. Mainly because I need to hear it.

Put yourselves first. A healthy you is the best way to take care of everyone else.

Make time for...

Exercise...even if it's just 15 minutes and I'm gonna get my hair all sweaty.
Friends....laughter, serious discussions to solve the world's problems, etc.
Quiet time alone
Shopping
Parents...even though they drive us nuts. They won't always be here to do so.
Planning meals and healthy snacks.
Alcohol....I've made lots of time for this lately.
Artistic endeavors. We all need it. Even if it's coloring with the kids.

I'm the world's worst at putting myself last. I'm going to change that. Me first.

ME. ME. ME!

The Athlete Inside Me...

Well, there is one. It's just hard to see past the fat.

I remember how it *felt* to run back when I was in shape. It was wonderful. Free. Easy. And now, it's just hard. My soul wants to run, but my body's holding me back. Well, my body and my mind. My mind because I'm not controlling what I eat.

I joined the YMCA ( a gift from my mother) around the first of November. I must say that I'm doing remarkably well. I actually jogged a bit yesterday despite my fat ass. Some days I walk for 30 minutes, some days I feel like going for an hour. I'm forcing myself. I have the time. I have no excuses. I have the clothes. And finally, I'm doing it. I guess I should be proud, but I don't want to look this way. I don't want to be hindered by all of this junk in my trunk.

And yet, I eat the junk that places more junk in my trunk. I need to be locked in a fat farm for a year...if not longer. Do they still wire people's mouths shut? That might be the answer. No. Probably not. I'd just run down to Sonic and get a Gingerbread shake. That would slide right through.

Will it be easier after the holidays? Yes. Will it be easy? No. What would make this easy? Does it have to be for me to do it? Why can't I know it's going to be hard and do it anyway? Why, why, why? Perhaps the Nike people are right.

Just call me Julie, the blog thief.

Star (because I don't know how to do bold in a blog!) all those that you ever were guilty of doing. When you are done, add one thing that is true about yourself to the end, then post the list to your blog.

* I’ve run away from home. (Took my stuffed monkey to the end of the driveway.)
I listen to political music.
I collect comic books.
I shut others out when I’m sad.
I open up to others easily.
* I am keeping a secret from the world. (I know some good ones)
* I watch the news.
I own over 5 rap CDs.
* I own an iPod. (And I’m damn proud of it)
I own something from Hot Topic.
* I love Disney movies.
* I am a sucker for hair/eyes.
* I don’t kill bugs.
I have “x”s in my screen name.
I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a real conversation.
I love Spam.
* I bake well.
* I would wear pajamas to school/work.
I own something from Abercrombie.
* I have a job.
* I love Martha Stewart. (I think she’s even better for the prison experience!)
* I am in love with someone.
I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
* I am self conscious.
* I like to laugh. (I LOVE to laugh)
I smoke a pack a day.
I loved Go Ask Alice.
I have cough drops when I’m not sick.
I can’t swallow pills.
* I quit smoking. (I was 12 and it wasn’t so bad.)
* I have many scars.
* I’ve been out of this country.
* I believe in ghosts.
* I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
* I am really ticklish.
* I love chocolate.
I bite my nails.
* I am comfortable with being me.
* I play computer games/video games when I’m bored.
* Gotten lost in the city.
* Saw a shooting star.
* I have had 2 serious surgical procedures. (OK, maybe it just felt serious at the time)
* I have kissed a stranger.
* Hugged a stranger.
* Been in a fist fight with the same sex. (Although, bed rugby is much more fun!)
Been arrested.
* Laughed and had milk/soda come out of your nose.
* Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
* Made out in an elevator.
Sworn at my parents.
Kicked a guy where it hurts.
Been skydiving.
Been bungee jumping.
* Broken a bone. (Toes count, right?)
* Played spin the bottle.
Gotten stitches.
* Bitten someone.
Been to Niagara Falls.
* Gotten the chicken pox.
* Crashed into a car.
Been to Asia.
* Ridden in a taxi.
* Shoplifted.
* Been fired.
* Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
* Had a crush on a teacher/coach. (He let me try his Gin & Tonic in a plane over Paris….I think he kinda liked me, too.)
Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
* Been to Europe.
* Slept with a co-worker.
Been married.
Gotten divorced.
Saw someone dying.
* Driven over 400 miles in one day.
Been to Canada.
* Been on a plane.
* Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. (I can’t count the times!)
* Thrown up in a bar. (I crawled to the bathroom…thinking I was going to throw up)
* Eaten Sushi.
Been snowboarding.
* Been skiing.
* Been ice skating.
Met someone in person from the internet.
* Been to a car show.
* Gone to college.
* Done hard drugs.
* Taken painkillers.
Met a celebrity.
* I like playing practical jokes.
Seen all nine seasons of the X-Files.
Once swore Disco would never die.
* Seen a ghost.
* Attended a professional sporting event.
* Attended a live rock concert.
* Stayed up all night.
* Lied about my name. (If you meet a Julie or Gwen that looks just like me, well….it’s me)
* Thrown something at a spouse. (Still regret missing her with my 3” stacked heel)
* After a night out, have gone straight to work without going home. (Over & over & over)
* Flirted with someone just to make them feel better about themselves.

Inner Turmoil and the Red Purse

I'm one of those people that when I want something I buy it. No problem making decisions. Just do it. Or so I thought.

Last Saturday, I'm browsing for purses when this gorgeous red number grabs my attention. Not bright red, but a soft dark red by Franco Sarto with big silver loops on each side. Oh...it's just so me.

And then I hear it. "You can't get a red bag. It's impractical. YOU always carry a black bag, so it goes with everything and you only need one bag." So I put up the red bag and go searching for a cute black one. And I find a black one just like the red one that I LOVE. But it doesn't thrill me like the red one did. I don't see myself on the red carpet with the black one. I'm not at all the cool Hollywood parties with the black one. But I've gotta have a black one, because frankly, red just doesn't go with everything. A girl has to be practical.

So, I put the black one in my cart. Ugh. And I think..."Here I am again, another season with a practical, though quite cute, black purse." And I'm not going to do it. I want to change and be the girl that carries the beautiful red purse. Now I'm racing back to find the red purse of my dreams. Hoping that the other woman shopping for purses hasn't snatched it. And she hadn't. It's mine. MINE, MINE, MINE.

Now, I still have to have a black bag, so I go practical and find a fairly cheap, but still hip black one. So, when I HAVE to give up the red one, I have a fall-back black bag. And I leave the store happy and immediately throw my essentials into my new hipper than hip purse.

And I told you that to tell you this...I wonder if that's what happens in my mother's head. I wonder if she goes, "Oh, I LOVE that ________!!!" and then she hears her mother's voice telling her to be practical and careful not to get something she might hate in six months. I wonder if she ever lets herself go and gets the red purse?

Yesterday we went to pick out granite together for her new kitchen. We took a sample of something we liked and the guy showed us three similar ones. We picked two of those and looked at 10 more slabs that she might be interested in. Nope, she still liked the first two. One is expensive and one isn't so bad. I hope she goes for the expensive one. It's beautiful and I know she likes it better. And frankly, she's worth it. She deserves to have something that every time she sees it, she says, "WOW" in her own mind.

Do we all have our mother's voices in our heads? Or our mother's mothers? How far back does that mental voice go? Is a piece of each past mother passed down through each mother to their children? I wonder how my great great great grandmother would have responded to my red purse? Would she have bought it? Or would it have been too much of a reach for her?

I wonder.

The Great Provider...

It worries me. What if something happened to me? What would she do? Would she then decide that it's time to buck up and "work for someone else" which she say's she "can't" do?

If I died tomorrow, could she pay the rent, the electric bills, etc? It's about $1,500 a month and it's tough to do. I would hope that she could.

It's hard being the provider. The one where the buck stops. It's hard being the one that has to go to a hellish job so someone else can live their dream.

When will it be my turn? When will it be my turn to "not have a boss"? Because frankly, I hate it too. I hate having to show up on time every day and do things that are so boring that it makes my brain feel like it's dying on the spot. I hate working for people that think I do nothing all day. i hate not living my dream, but frankly, I can't afford to live my dream because I'm funding someone else's.

I waited entirely too long to stop her from using my credit cards. She pays nothing. She remembers none of the times she needed money to get DDC supplies, or when we started the business and I put the first two months rent on my credit card. Stupid. But stupid is done. That will not happen ever again. I will slit my own throat before I make that mistake again.

What will she do when it's time for retirement? What will she do when her parents can't retire and need her help? What will she do when Rosie needs money for college?

What will she do when I'm not here anymore?

Sippin' a Smoothie....

And thinking about what I've eaten today. I had a 6 point WW meal for breakfast and it satisfied me until just a few minutes ago. Maybe I need a bigger breakfast? One that doesn't include chocolate?

For my snack, I had a grapple and a Carb Control Smoothie. Nice, very nice.

I met with Bonnie Young last night and had my first pallette knife class. I'm sitting here looking at my rendition of John, my pet rooster. Everyone wants to tough it. And I keep telling them, it's wet. And yet, they touch it. I think that's a great sign. I want my art to be touchable.

I actually feel good today. Normal...not nervous like I have been. Not yet anyway. I think the Irish Festival will do me good. Get away. Let Devi take care of Punkin'. Relax and focus on something else. See some different scenery.

I'm feeling satisfied today. Could be the good breakfast or the satisfaction from painting something that I'm pretty happy with. Either way, it's nice.

I'm still waiting...

I'm still waiting for me to turn myself around. No one can do it but me. And for some reason, I'm just not. Not doing it. Not chosing correcty. I'm rebelling against what I should eat and eating the things that taste good. Some days I do better than others. Yesterday wasn't so bad. Plus, I cleaned the carpets and sweated a ton~!

I'm going to the Irish Festival with Nikki on Thursday. It's going to be a lot of walking. I know it will be good for me!

Panic

I'm having panic attacks. Well, they're not really attacks...it's happening almost all the time. This morning, I'm feeling nervous. I feel like I should turn around any moment and see a bear behind me. I think I'm going to have to go to the doctor. It's been a week and it's not getting any better.

Today I'm really on edge. Eating doesn't help and eating always helps my anxiety. Now what? What do I do when my old ways don't work?

Groundhog Days

I do it over and over again. I don't eat right and I don't exercise. And I know I have to if I want to shed this body and find my real body beneath.

I read something interesting yesterday. It said that keeping a journal is good because if you keep seeing what you continue to do that is hindering you, you'll eventually change it. You'll start to see what the real problem is. I know it is me. I am my problem. My choices are bad. Period.

Cookies for a day...

I just ate 10 cookies at 80 calories a piece. My heavens, why do cookies have so many calories? It was a binge. I wasn't in control. I ate all I wanted. And frankly, I could have eaten more of them. Somehow I stopped myself. Damn, they were good.

I ate enough calories in 2 minutes to cover most of my day. Why don't I lose weight? That's why. Because I binge and eat 800 calories on top of everything else I eat. I've just never totalled the calories before. I just ignore that behavior and those calories. Why?

They count. I know they count. I'm nervous. I'm having anxiety attacks....but not too bad at the moment. So why did I eat? Because I wanted something sweet. And there's nothing here but those damn cookies. And they aren't even mine. They were left outside by somebody last Friday and I brought them in. And now, I've eaten half of the box. In one shove, I ate 10 of them. 800 calories.

Now, what should I have done? I should have eaten 3 of the sugar cookies, because I know I'm gonna eat something. I need my fix and until I get past it, I'll need to give in a little...just not a big binge. I know that seems like a management, but I've got to do better until I can figure out why I'm doing this.

I feel better than I have in a long time. I am stressed, but I'm getting better. I'm feeling my feelings and I'm talking to Nikki about them. And I'm writing them in here.

I'm sorry that I just did that to my body. I could go home and work out. Will I? Stay tuned tomorrow to find out.

My revelation....

I discovered over the weekend that after repeatedly talking to Nikki and my therapist about my feelings that I didn't need as much food. I just need to talk. Which is hard frankly, because I'm a listener. I know everything about everybody else and they know very little about me. And it's because I don't talk. I've been burned. I've been hurt. And I responded by not talking to people about my feelings unless I'm very very sure that they can be trusted. I just don't find many people to trust.

I have one person right now. One. One person that knows my secrets. One person that I can pour my heart out to without judgement besides my therapist. One. I wonder how that ranks with other people. I wonder if other people really do tell their secrets? The things that they do that they are ashamed of. The things that hurt them the worst. Or do most people live on a shielded plane and not let the feelings in and out. I guess it really doesn't matter. I do need someone to trust and tell me deepest feelings to. Otherwise, I blow up like a balloon.

Looking back I can see how I was able to talk with Jean. She was a talker and a listener. She loved just to sit back with a couple of beers and talk. About anything. And then hear what I had to say about it. We did that daily and I'm sure it kept my need for intimate interaction met. Every day after work, we'd meet out on the patio and talk about what went on during out day, who we talked to, who came by the office, what so-and-so said. I needed that. It helped me work out my feelings about the everyday things that happen to me. The things that Nikki finds boring about me. It's a chore for her to talk to me.

It's funny because Jean never thought I was boring. And now I take what Nikki thinks as fact. I believe what she tells me. I believe that I'm a useless piece of shit that deserves to be hurt. How can she expect me to trust her when she treats me that way? Why would I trust someone that leaves bruises on my arms? Why would I trust someone that turns my words against me and uses what I tell her in confidence to hurt me?

Why? I need to figure that out.

Better than everyone else!

I almost said I ate just like everyone else last night, but I didn't. I ate better. I filled my plate with the veggies and had a small portion of BBQ. Others had 2 plates, I only had the one. And it was enough. I wasn't stuffed. I wasn't still hungry. Just right!

I didn't have to have a snack or dessert later. I was content. Nikki and I have been getting along better and I know that helps.

It was such a victory just to eat normally. Wow. I did it! One day down. God knows how many more to go.

Not so normal....

I'm doing good for breakfast and lunch and totally losing my focus at dinner. What is it about dinner that is so important to me? Dinner is about unwinding and letting go for me. And I'm doing it with food. I guess some people do it with alcohol. Some people do it with conversation. Some people meditate. I'm going to have to learn another way.

Like night before last, I was so relaxed after painting that I thought, I'll just skip dinner. Then I remembered that I had to go to my mother's for dinner and it was a late dinner. I pigged out. Ugly, it was.

It's like my brain freezes at dinner and I don't pay any attention to what I'm doing. I just eat and enjoy. It's got to stop. Every day I have a new chance to do it right. And I've not managed it for some time now. Tonight is a new opportunity. It's like when I'm alone, I have much more control. With other people around, I just give in and eat what they're eating.

I need a plan. I know that we're having BBQ tonight. And it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I can have a small portion of BBQ and fill the rest of my plate with veggies. No big deal. And I need to SLOW DOWN! I eat way too fast. Like it will dispel my feelings if I can get the food down. And it does. That's the real problem. This is working for me. I've got to find another way.

I'll try a new way tonight. I have to. I'm killing myself.

So Far, So Normal...

I decided to have one of my chalky, funky protein shakes for breakfast. I was hungry again about 10:30ish which was normal for me, so I had a slimfast bar. That's six WW points, not bad for a morning. And now for lunch. I need to go light, otherwise my WW buddy will see that I've gone over. Not that she's hard on me. I just need to get back on track with my eating. And I'm trying to be reasonable today and not overdo it.

The Tomato Pie for dinner sent me way over on dinner points, so I'm making up for it this morning. I think that's probably what normal people would do. I ate too much last night, so I'll go light today. I wonder if they think about it....or if it's just natural. Natural would be nice. If all of this was easy and it just kinda happened. Probably not likely with me.

As for how I'm feeling right now...I feel full. Kinda stuffed almost. I guess the Slimfast bar was too much? Maybe I should try halfsies? Portion control is not my strong suit.

Now, what to do for lunch? It needs to be light. Relax and don't overdo it. I can always have a snack at 3:30ish. Just not the junk food at DDC!

Nobody's Watching Me...

Not me, not you, nobody. When you get overweight, people just stop seeing you. It's like being invisible. Although someone SHOULD say, "Damn, you're fat!" No one says a word. And the only way to be seen again is to be normal. Eat normal and you'll look normal.

So, I'm trying to remember "normal." Normal was 8 years ago. It was cereal and milk for breakfast, chicken noodle soup or a sandwich for lunch (not both), and pasta for dinner. I'm not normal anymore, but I'm going on a search for it. I'm going to try to find a normal day within myself. Feel what it feels like to be hungry and not rush for something to eat immediately or especially not before.

If good intentions are the pathway to hell...I should be getting warm. I've intended to eat better for a long time now, and I'm just not doing it. I mindlessly eat. I eat for comfort. I eat out of boredom. I eat for social time with friends. But mostly, I just eat. I eat too much. Too often. Nothing is special anymore because there's just too much food in my life. I remember when dessert was an event because I didn't eat sweets everyday.

I've lost the specialness of special foods. Too much is too much now. There's too much food and I'm too fat.

Today I'm going to try to be normal. Feel normal. Eat normal. It may stress me out, but that'll be okay. I won't die from being stressed.

Whew...that was easy enough.

Now, to actually start writing in here. It's crossed my mind that I need to be more mindful of what I'm eating. Not that anyone else really needs to know this, but I need to know and so I'm blogging for me. Maybe once I start seeing what I'm doing, I can actually change it. Kind of a food feedback for myself.

So, today I'm off to a pretty good start.

I've had a Slimfast Bar for breakfast, a yogurt, and a cup of Special K with Berries ( which is pretty harsh without milk, but it is very crunchy). For lunch I had a Subway-Sweet Onion Teriyaki sandwich with 1/2 bag of Light Chips.

Looks like I'm needing some fruits and veggies, so I'll have some watermelon for dinner and who knows what else. I'm going to my aunt Ruby's tonight for my art class, so I'll either run really late or really early. Realy early makes it hard later...but I will be eating my first dinner on my new couch. Wheee!

I'll be watching me!