My revelation....

I discovered over the weekend that after repeatedly talking to Nikki and my therapist about my feelings that I didn't need as much food. I just need to talk. Which is hard frankly, because I'm a listener. I know everything about everybody else and they know very little about me. And it's because I don't talk. I've been burned. I've been hurt. And I responded by not talking to people about my feelings unless I'm very very sure that they can be trusted. I just don't find many people to trust.

I have one person right now. One. One person that knows my secrets. One person that I can pour my heart out to without judgement besides my therapist. One. I wonder how that ranks with other people. I wonder if other people really do tell their secrets? The things that they do that they are ashamed of. The things that hurt them the worst. Or do most people live on a shielded plane and not let the feelings in and out. I guess it really doesn't matter. I do need someone to trust and tell me deepest feelings to. Otherwise, I blow up like a balloon.

Looking back I can see how I was able to talk with Jean. She was a talker and a listener. She loved just to sit back with a couple of beers and talk. About anything. And then hear what I had to say about it. We did that daily and I'm sure it kept my need for intimate interaction met. Every day after work, we'd meet out on the patio and talk about what went on during out day, who we talked to, who came by the office, what so-and-so said. I needed that. It helped me work out my feelings about the everyday things that happen to me. The things that Nikki finds boring about me. It's a chore for her to talk to me.

It's funny because Jean never thought I was boring. And now I take what Nikki thinks as fact. I believe what she tells me. I believe that I'm a useless piece of shit that deserves to be hurt. How can she expect me to trust her when she treats me that way? Why would I trust someone that leaves bruises on my arms? Why would I trust someone that turns my words against me and uses what I tell her in confidence to hurt me?

Why? I need to figure that out.