Sippin' a Smoothie....

And thinking about what I've eaten today. I had a 6 point WW meal for breakfast and it satisfied me until just a few minutes ago. Maybe I need a bigger breakfast? One that doesn't include chocolate?

For my snack, I had a grapple and a Carb Control Smoothie. Nice, very nice.

I met with Bonnie Young last night and had my first pallette knife class. I'm sitting here looking at my rendition of John, my pet rooster. Everyone wants to tough it. And I keep telling them, it's wet. And yet, they touch it. I think that's a great sign. I want my art to be touchable.

I actually feel good today. Normal...not nervous like I have been. Not yet anyway. I think the Irish Festival will do me good. Get away. Let Devi take care of Punkin'. Relax and focus on something else. See some different scenery.

I'm feeling satisfied today. Could be the good breakfast or the satisfaction from painting something that I'm pretty happy with. Either way, it's nice.

I'm still waiting...

I'm still waiting for me to turn myself around. No one can do it but me. And for some reason, I'm just not. Not doing it. Not chosing correcty. I'm rebelling against what I should eat and eating the things that taste good. Some days I do better than others. Yesterday wasn't so bad. Plus, I cleaned the carpets and sweated a ton~!

I'm going to the Irish Festival with Nikki on Thursday. It's going to be a lot of walking. I know it will be good for me!

Panic

I'm having panic attacks. Well, they're not really attacks...it's happening almost all the time. This morning, I'm feeling nervous. I feel like I should turn around any moment and see a bear behind me. I think I'm going to have to go to the doctor. It's been a week and it's not getting any better.

Today I'm really on edge. Eating doesn't help and eating always helps my anxiety. Now what? What do I do when my old ways don't work?

Groundhog Days

I do it over and over again. I don't eat right and I don't exercise. And I know I have to if I want to shed this body and find my real body beneath.

I read something interesting yesterday. It said that keeping a journal is good because if you keep seeing what you continue to do that is hindering you, you'll eventually change it. You'll start to see what the real problem is. I know it is me. I am my problem. My choices are bad. Period.

Cookies for a day...

I just ate 10 cookies at 80 calories a piece. My heavens, why do cookies have so many calories? It was a binge. I wasn't in control. I ate all I wanted. And frankly, I could have eaten more of them. Somehow I stopped myself. Damn, they were good.

I ate enough calories in 2 minutes to cover most of my day. Why don't I lose weight? That's why. Because I binge and eat 800 calories on top of everything else I eat. I've just never totalled the calories before. I just ignore that behavior and those calories. Why?

They count. I know they count. I'm nervous. I'm having anxiety attacks....but not too bad at the moment. So why did I eat? Because I wanted something sweet. And there's nothing here but those damn cookies. And they aren't even mine. They were left outside by somebody last Friday and I brought them in. And now, I've eaten half of the box. In one shove, I ate 10 of them. 800 calories.

Now, what should I have done? I should have eaten 3 of the sugar cookies, because I know I'm gonna eat something. I need my fix and until I get past it, I'll need to give in a little...just not a big binge. I know that seems like a management, but I've got to do better until I can figure out why I'm doing this.

I feel better than I have in a long time. I am stressed, but I'm getting better. I'm feeling my feelings and I'm talking to Nikki about them. And I'm writing them in here.

I'm sorry that I just did that to my body. I could go home and work out. Will I? Stay tuned tomorrow to find out.

My revelation....

I discovered over the weekend that after repeatedly talking to Nikki and my therapist about my feelings that I didn't need as much food. I just need to talk. Which is hard frankly, because I'm a listener. I know everything about everybody else and they know very little about me. And it's because I don't talk. I've been burned. I've been hurt. And I responded by not talking to people about my feelings unless I'm very very sure that they can be trusted. I just don't find many people to trust.

I have one person right now. One. One person that knows my secrets. One person that I can pour my heart out to without judgement besides my therapist. One. I wonder how that ranks with other people. I wonder if other people really do tell their secrets? The things that they do that they are ashamed of. The things that hurt them the worst. Or do most people live on a shielded plane and not let the feelings in and out. I guess it really doesn't matter. I do need someone to trust and tell me deepest feelings to. Otherwise, I blow up like a balloon.

Looking back I can see how I was able to talk with Jean. She was a talker and a listener. She loved just to sit back with a couple of beers and talk. About anything. And then hear what I had to say about it. We did that daily and I'm sure it kept my need for intimate interaction met. Every day after work, we'd meet out on the patio and talk about what went on during out day, who we talked to, who came by the office, what so-and-so said. I needed that. It helped me work out my feelings about the everyday things that happen to me. The things that Nikki finds boring about me. It's a chore for her to talk to me.

It's funny because Jean never thought I was boring. And now I take what Nikki thinks as fact. I believe what she tells me. I believe that I'm a useless piece of shit that deserves to be hurt. How can she expect me to trust her when she treats me that way? Why would I trust someone that leaves bruises on my arms? Why would I trust someone that turns my words against me and uses what I tell her in confidence to hurt me?

Why? I need to figure that out.

Better than everyone else!

I almost said I ate just like everyone else last night, but I didn't. I ate better. I filled my plate with the veggies and had a small portion of BBQ. Others had 2 plates, I only had the one. And it was enough. I wasn't stuffed. I wasn't still hungry. Just right!

I didn't have to have a snack or dessert later. I was content. Nikki and I have been getting along better and I know that helps.

It was such a victory just to eat normally. Wow. I did it! One day down. God knows how many more to go.

Not so normal....

I'm doing good for breakfast and lunch and totally losing my focus at dinner. What is it about dinner that is so important to me? Dinner is about unwinding and letting go for me. And I'm doing it with food. I guess some people do it with alcohol. Some people do it with conversation. Some people meditate. I'm going to have to learn another way.

Like night before last, I was so relaxed after painting that I thought, I'll just skip dinner. Then I remembered that I had to go to my mother's for dinner and it was a late dinner. I pigged out. Ugly, it was.

It's like my brain freezes at dinner and I don't pay any attention to what I'm doing. I just eat and enjoy. It's got to stop. Every day I have a new chance to do it right. And I've not managed it for some time now. Tonight is a new opportunity. It's like when I'm alone, I have much more control. With other people around, I just give in and eat what they're eating.

I need a plan. I know that we're having BBQ tonight. And it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I can have a small portion of BBQ and fill the rest of my plate with veggies. No big deal. And I need to SLOW DOWN! I eat way too fast. Like it will dispel my feelings if I can get the food down. And it does. That's the real problem. This is working for me. I've got to find another way.

I'll try a new way tonight. I have to. I'm killing myself.

So Far, So Normal...

I decided to have one of my chalky, funky protein shakes for breakfast. I was hungry again about 10:30ish which was normal for me, so I had a slimfast bar. That's six WW points, not bad for a morning. And now for lunch. I need to go light, otherwise my WW buddy will see that I've gone over. Not that she's hard on me. I just need to get back on track with my eating. And I'm trying to be reasonable today and not overdo it.

The Tomato Pie for dinner sent me way over on dinner points, so I'm making up for it this morning. I think that's probably what normal people would do. I ate too much last night, so I'll go light today. I wonder if they think about it....or if it's just natural. Natural would be nice. If all of this was easy and it just kinda happened. Probably not likely with me.

As for how I'm feeling right now...I feel full. Kinda stuffed almost. I guess the Slimfast bar was too much? Maybe I should try halfsies? Portion control is not my strong suit.

Now, what to do for lunch? It needs to be light. Relax and don't overdo it. I can always have a snack at 3:30ish. Just not the junk food at DDC!

Nobody's Watching Me...

Not me, not you, nobody. When you get overweight, people just stop seeing you. It's like being invisible. Although someone SHOULD say, "Damn, you're fat!" No one says a word. And the only way to be seen again is to be normal. Eat normal and you'll look normal.

So, I'm trying to remember "normal." Normal was 8 years ago. It was cereal and milk for breakfast, chicken noodle soup or a sandwich for lunch (not both), and pasta for dinner. I'm not normal anymore, but I'm going on a search for it. I'm going to try to find a normal day within myself. Feel what it feels like to be hungry and not rush for something to eat immediately or especially not before.

If good intentions are the pathway to hell...I should be getting warm. I've intended to eat better for a long time now, and I'm just not doing it. I mindlessly eat. I eat for comfort. I eat out of boredom. I eat for social time with friends. But mostly, I just eat. I eat too much. Too often. Nothing is special anymore because there's just too much food in my life. I remember when dessert was an event because I didn't eat sweets everyday.

I've lost the specialness of special foods. Too much is too much now. There's too much food and I'm too fat.

Today I'm going to try to be normal. Feel normal. Eat normal. It may stress me out, but that'll be okay. I won't die from being stressed.